IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 rapid world, many parents push their offspring to concentrate on their academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as math, physics and so on and students started to pay less attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physical
education
Use synonyms
 or cookery. Some people think that removing non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 from
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum will give children more spare
time
Use synonyms
 on academic
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion and
this
Linking Words
 essay will try to explore whether it will have a positive influence on them, or
other
Correct word choice
whether other
show examples
 measures should be undertaken.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, from my point of view, as nowadays school children only concentrate on academic
subjects
Use synonyms
, other
subjects
Use synonyms
' presence can really be observed as a barrier for them. To be more clear, they will spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on those
subjects
Use synonyms
, and they will not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to muster energy and to work on their main
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
, physical
education
Use synonyms
, cookery or music
classes
Use synonyms
 might really disturb young people as they can take energy and not let teenagers focus on their important
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as geography and science, to name just a few. On the flip side, sometimes young people get tired of doing academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 and physical
education
Use synonyms
 or cookery
classes
Use synonyms
 which do not require too much brain work may be a way for adults to repose and get entertained. Saying thoroughly, those indicated
subjects
Use synonyms
 are considered as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
student entertainment
classes
Use synonyms
 and having those
subjects
Use synonyms
 in
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 syllabus may have a good impact on youngsters' lives.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in terms of physical
education
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 subject plays a crucial role for adults, it helps them to get rid of being overweight and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
Thus
Linking Words
, fully removing
this
Linking Words
 subject can really affect youngsters' physical health.
For instance
Linking Words
, in my childhood, I used to suffer from being obese, so only attending physical
education
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 helped me to some extent to reduce my body weight. Taking everything into account, it is indisputable that removing non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 might aid youngsters
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 having more free
time
Use synonyms
 to focus on their major
subjects
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, not always it can be beneficial, as they will
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 to have fun and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
relax as well.
Submitted by alex.martirosyan201206 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay attempts to address the question and presents a clear position, there could be greater development in the main ideas, providing more detailed examples and explanations. The writer's argument would benefit from more in-depth analysis and richer illustration to enhance task achievement. It is important to critically evaluate and expand upon the points raised within the essay to offer a comprehensive argument that fully addresses the prompt.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic organization into paragraphs, though connections between ideas need strengthening. Transitions between points at times appear abrupt which can impact overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing words, can help to more effectively guide the reader through the argument, ensuring a seamless flow of ideas. To improve cohesion, consider employing a wider range of linking phrases and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the one before.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: