IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

thenumber of children that read books for fun has dropped dramatically in recent years.What are the reasons and how can we encourage children to read more

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a problem
occured
Correct your spelling
occurring
 nowadays
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 refuse to read
books
Use synonyms
 as a fun activity. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 problem is rooted
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the change of era, especially with the fast distribution of technology.
However
Linking Words
, it can be prevented with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good parenting and education from
parents
Use synonyms
 and family. In
this
Linking Words
 modern era, technology has become widely used in the world, either to support productivity and socializing or just to boost the mood after a busy day.
This
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 affects the way most
parents
Use synonyms
 in
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
.
Often times
Correct your spelling
Oftentimes
show examples
,
parents
Use synonyms
 just give their
children
Use synonyms
 a smartphone or
smart pad
Correct your spelling
smartpad
 as a quick solution
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 that
experienced
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
tantrum
Fix the agreement mistake
tantrums
show examples
 to calm down.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 having a hard or busy day which
resulting
Change the form of the verb
results
show examples
 in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of proper quality time with their child.
Moreover
Linking Words
, resulted in
children
Use synonyms
 having instant stress
reliever
Fix the agreement mistake
relievers
show examples
 that they got from watching phones or pads,
thus
Linking Words
books
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 abandoned.
However
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 acts that can be taken especially for
parents
Use synonyms
 to encourage kids to read more
books
Use synonyms
 and to cut down the phone usage from the
children
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 can
spare
Verb problem
spend
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
quality time with their
children
Use synonyms
 and
focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
 their attention
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them.
Also
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can start to introduce book reading into the child's habit.
For example
Linking Words
, start to read them
Add an article
a book
show examples
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
show examples
 every night before sleep, so that they are familiarized with
books
Use synonyms
 and give more interest
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that the decreasing number of
children
Use synonyms
 who read
books
Use synonyms
 for fun is
due to
Linking Words
 the widespread of technology and lack of time given by the
parents
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
parrents
Correct your spelling
parents
 should try the advice given to introduce their child
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
books
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
A strong essay would exhibit a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion. This essay needs to delineate these sections more clearly for the reader to easily follow the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are vital parts of the essay but require more clarity and development. Specifically, the conclusion should restate your main points succinctly and draw them to a clear resolution, which was only partially achieved here.
task achievement
While you have attempted to provide examples and ideas to support your points, there needs to be a greater development of these ideas and a range of examples. The use of repeated phrases and ideas suggests a limited array of thoughts on the subject.
task achievement
It's important to fully explore the question prompt. This includes addressing all parts of the task and providing a more developed argument with comprehensive ideas and examples. The essay in its current form does not completely fulfill the prompt's requirements. A higher score requires a full response to the prompt.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant, but the examples provided are generic. Providing specific examples would strengthen your argument and demonstrate an understanding of the subject matter, thus meeting the expectations of the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dramatically
  • leisure reading
  • curriculum-based
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse range
  • role models
  • engaging
  • interactive
  • tech-savvy
  • foster
  • motivate
  • personalization
  • digital entertainment
  • access to books
  • reading for pleasure
  • role models
What to do next:
Look at other essays: