IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part of individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #part #sports #teams #football #tennis
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A group of
people
 thinks that joining
sports
 in
team
Add an article
the team
a team
show examples
 has more positive points, in the meanwhile, another group of
people
 disagrees about that. They say playing individual
sports
gain
Correct subject-verb agreement
gains
show examples
 greater benefits.
This
 essay will consider the advantages of those kinds of
sports
 and
also
 my point of view. Participating in
sports
 which are played in
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
show examples
such
 as football, soccer, and volleyball
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 highly beneficial for players. The most important point is
people
 learn how to work with others as a group.
As a result
, it can build up
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teamwork skills which leads to understanding and accepting other
people
’s ideas and adjusting themself to get along well in any circumstance easily. Other than that, joining
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the team gives
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of unity and being a part of
social
Replace the word
society
show examples
. It can build up
emotionally
Change the word
emotional
show examples
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 in a good way since they are likely to have stronger self-respect and
self-confident
Replace the word
self-confidence
show examples
.
On the other hand
, taking
sports
 which players can do
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
by themself;
for example
, swimming, running, and golfing has extremely positive points.
Firstly
, it is so convenient to play whenever you are available. Since each person can play alone, they do not require others to be free at the same specific period of time.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual
sports
 are a good method for players to be
clam
Correct your spelling
calm
show examples
 and conscious. From my own experience, driving or
putting
Verb problem
playing
show examples
 golf makes me concentrate
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 doing things which I can adapt
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 any other activities in my life. In my perspective, those two groups of
sports
 have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own advantages. They have common positive points in making
people
 stronger and healthier which I think
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is the best reason of all. The main idea is just choosing to play the sport you love,
then
, you
are tending
Wrong verb form
tend
show examples
 to do it more often with
satisfying
Add an article
a satisfying
show examples
 feeling.
Submitted by sasi.jariyasirikul on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
The essay requires a more clear and direct introduction to the topic with a thesis statement outlining the structure of the discussion. There should also be a distinct conclusion summarizing the main points and clearly stating the writer's opinion.
logical structure
Logical connectors should be used more effectively to guide the reader through the arguments presented in the essay. The organization of ideas could be enhanced to ensure a more logical flow of thoughts and coherent structure.
supported main points
Main points should be developed with more specific examples and explanations to articulate arguments clearly and persuasively. Incorporating more detailed illustrations can help to reinforce the writer's position and provide a more complete understanding of the topic.
complete response
While the essay attempts to respond to all parts of the task, a more focused argument on the advantages and disadvantages of team versus individual sports would enhance its effectiveness. The writer's opinion should be stated more explicitly throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion, to demonstrate a clear personal stance on the issue.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented in the essay need to be articulated more clearly and comprehensively. This involves refining the language used to reduce ambiguity and employing a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures to convey information effectively and engage the reader.
relevant specific examples
Examples given in the essay are relevant but lack specificity and depth. Including more detailed examples or anecdotes would provide stronger support for the points being made and make the arguments more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cooperation
  • team spirit
  • sense of belonging
  • community
  • leadership
  • trust
  • collective responsibility
  • dependency
  • self-reliance
  • self-discipline
  • goal setting
  • tailored development
  • flexibility
  • social support
What to do next:
Look at other essays: