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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

some people believe that the best way to succed is to get a university education, while others disagree and say that it is no longerr true nowadays. discuss both views and give your own opinions.

#people #university #education #longerr
There have always been various views about the way of prospering.
Although
 some
people
 believe that
further
 education doesn’t lead to success these days, I opine there are several grounds that make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic education indispensable for thriving. On the one hand, some individuals believe that in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 age achieving
university
Correct article usage
a university
show examples
 degree cannot guarantee
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success and it seems to be old fashion and there are different ways to thrive in our life.
for example
, some teenagers prefer to take some online vocational classes for just
some
Correct determiner usage
a few
show examples
months
Fix the agreement mistake
month
show examples
 to increase their skills in a specific field that they want to work on
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
this
 way not only is not time-consuming but
also
 they can
just
Rephrase
also
show examples
 concentrate on their
desire
Replace the word
desired
show examples
 career without
need
Add an article
the need
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 to
taking
Wrong verb form
take
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 many complicated sciences that
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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seem irrelevant to their real life.
On the other hand
, many
people
 stick to the view that
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
show examples
 provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students with sophisticated skills and knowledge that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
cannot be found anywhere else and
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
way
Add a comma
way,
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 they can find their appropriate job and thrive on it because many well-known companies recruit educated volunteers.
Moreover
, in
advanced
Correct article usage
an advanced
show examples
 education
system
Add a comma
system,
show examples
 students learn their courses deeply
therefore
 their performance in their future work undoubtedly will be better.
For instance
,
although
 many
people
 know about computer science and maybe they can work in
this
 field,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 apparent that they cannot design software like a computer engineer, because they are engaged in lack of adequate information and knowledge about it,
consequently
Add a comma
consequently,
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 they cannot progress and
also
 earn money as same as the expert one. In fact, the more
people
educate
Wrong verb form
are educated
show examples
, the more successful they become.
To conclude
, I believe that the secret
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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success
is involving
Wrong verb form
involves
show examples
 in
university
Add an article
a university
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 degree,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 superficially some
people
 suppose by taking vocational courses
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prosperity
van
Correct your spelling
can
show examples
 be gained.
Submitted by shahrabadi.melika on

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task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument and provides a conclusion, which is positive. However, the introduction and conclusion are underdeveloped and could be strengthened with clearer thesis statements and summaries of the main points discussed.
coherence cohesion
You should organize your ideas more effectively by using a clear paragraph structure that includes a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. Also, aim to ensure a smoother logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use more complex sentence structures and a wider range of linking words to improve the overall coherence of the essay. Avoid repeating the same transitions and vary your sentence beginnings for stronger cohesion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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