IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages?

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It is undeniable that People are busier and
work
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 longer, but having little spare
time
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 has become a tendency in our society. I will discuss the pros and cons in the following paragraphs. On the
one
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 hand, speaking of advantages, people who
work
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 hard indeed easily achieve their personal goals,
such
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 as getting a promotion, acquiring many benefits, and earning a good reputation, leading to success.
For example
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,
one
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 of the workers in my company dedicated his
time
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 to finishing all the tasks beforehand and completing them perfectly, and he ended up pursuing a higher position, manager, within working only three years.
Moreover
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, earning more money than the average individual.
Therefore
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, working hard helps people achieve their accomplishments in their
work
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 field.
On the other hand
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, there are a few drawbacks associated with it. Delving into those who get involved in
work
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 most of their
time
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 means they need to abandon their personal
time
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. That can cause some problems,
such
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 as ignoring their body conditions and becoming more stressed.
For instance
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, workers take almost their
time
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 to devote themselves to
work
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, yet have no
time
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 to see a doctor when they are feeling ill. Neglecting some warning signs from the body,
for example
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, insomnia and depression, like
one
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 of my sisters, immersing herself in her
work
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 environment but having no
time
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 to take care of her body.
One
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 day, she died because of a heart attack, which is regarded as death
due to
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 overwork.
Hence
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, being occupied by
work
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 may lead to some diseases because of spending too much
time
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 dealing with
work
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. In summary,
although
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 working hard can bring career success and financial gains, it is essential to find a balance between
work
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 and personal life. You should not sacrifice your health or personal well-being for professional goals.
In other words
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, It is crucial to manage your
time
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 wisely, giving attention to both
work
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 and personal aspects. Only when
this
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 balance is achieved can you truly enjoy the rewards of your hard
work
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 without harming your
overall
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 quality of life
.
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task achievement
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, it is important to ensure that the thesis statement in your introduction clearly presents the issue and indicates your position on it. Aim to make this more evident to guide the reader.
task achievement
Your ideas would benefit from more specific supporting examples. Try to include relevant anecdotes, statistics, or studies to bolster your arguments, which will help satisfy the task requirements more fully.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, but the argument could be strengthened with clearer transitions and topic sentences. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Developing your ideas more fully would improve coherence and cohesion. Aim to expand your supporting points with more detailed explanations and ensure that each idea logically follows from the previous one.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • mental well-being
  • burnout
  • stress relief
  • productivity
  • economic growth
  • career progression
  • skill enhancement
  • quality time
  • financial security
  • leisure activities
  • physical health
  • personal relationships
  • stress-related illnesses
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