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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, stress-related illnesses are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#illnesses
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Recently, mental
health
 issues have risen in our society, including stress. It is commonly reported that more individuals suffer from
health
 problems
due to
 stress. There are two vocal reasons causing
this
 problem and some measures need to be taken to solve it.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons that cause
this
 type of illness. The main reason is the leap of social media usage which has influenced the way
people
 live.
This
 is because more
people
 are trying to imitate celebrities’ and influencers’ lifestyles.
Subsequently
, if
this
is
Verb problem
does
show examples
 not
meeting
Wrong verb form
meet
show examples
 their expectation, it leads to
unsatisfying
Correct article usage
an unsatisfying
show examples
 life and even worse, to social anxiety. Another reason to be considered is the pressure from work and study as it is common sense that
people
 are afraid to fail.
As a result
, to retain their success, some of them suffer from anxiety and depression. In order to tackle
this
 problem, several actions need to be implemented. First of all, the government and private sectors can cooperate to improve
health
 facilities.
For example
, by building more hospitals and medical services that exclusively handle mental
health
 problems.
Additionally
, promoting mental
health
 issues will be a good attempt to prevent the illness. As individuals, the public can prevent
this
 from happening by applying a balanced lifestyle. It means
people
 should have a proper amount of time to work and use the rest of their time to enjoy their lives. In summary, there are various reasons that probably harm our
health
 including stress.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
, public sectors, and individuals can put
hands
Correct pronoun usage
their hands
show examples
 together to solve
this
 problem by providing more medical services, promoting mental
health
 issues, and implementing a balanced lifestyle.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea and that this idea is developed further with explanations and relevant examples.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence, make use of linking words to better connect ideas and paragraphs. Aim for a more cohesive use of language by referring back to previous points to strengthen the essay's overall flow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • stress-related illnesses
  • hypertension
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • modern lifestyle
  • work pressure
  • technological advancements
  • social pressures
  • material wealth
  • work-life balance
  • mindfulness
  • meditation
  • stress management
  • flexible working hours
  • telecommuting
  • mandatory vacation
  • educational programs
  • mental health
  • supportive work environment
  • counseling services
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