IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The growing pressures of the money-driven world we live in widely cause the gravitation towards material items.
However
Linking Words
, personal delight is not achieved through things like work, wealth, and success. Though these things may be attractive and coveted, it does not refute the fact that relationships with friends, colleagues, and family members are the genuine secrets to living happily.
This
Linking Words
 will be proven by bringing up the topic of wealthy superstars who steadily live lonely lives and advice from elderly
people
Use synonyms
 based on experience.
Firstly
Linking Words
, happiness is not something anyone can buy with a huge amount of money and material prosperity.
For instance
Linking Words
, there are many famous
people
Use synonyms
 and billionaires who do not have partners or close acquaintances
although
Linking Words
 they have enough resources to afford everything. Sadly, some of them even suffer unspoken mental problems without anyone who can help them, which can eventually lead to drug abuse and suicide.
Thus
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 makes it clear that personal enjoyment is achievable by non-material things like having a close bond with friends and family.
Secondly
Linking Words
, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 have been through enough life lessons in life and they can be role models for the younger generations. One of many great wisdoms we can learn from elderly
people
Use synonyms
 is that humans are social beings who like to be surrounded by their loved ones, regardless of their material prosperity.
Hence
Linking Words
, their natural instinct can not be replaced by any amount of money
as well as
Linking Words
 social status.
Finally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 becomes apparent that wealth is not the main criterion to reach contentment, but social bonds are. In conclusion, it is agreeable that social bonds are the most important aspect of someone's well-being as genuine happiness can never be bought by wealth and everyone gets to realise
this
Linking Words
 when they become old. Even
people
Use synonyms
 with abundant
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of richness can afford happiness with their money.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

logical structure
Ensure that introduction and conclusion paragraphs succinctly introduce and summarize the main arguments, respectively.
single idea per paragraph
Maintain clear topic sentences in each paragraph and develop them with relevant examples and detailed explanations.
complete response
Fully address the question prompt, ensuring that you not only state your position but also expand on it with clear and relevant points that directly support your statement.
coherence cohesion
Aim to use a wide range of cohesive devices (linking words) appropriately to ensure the smooth flow of ideas and overall coherence.

The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: