IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Should we first explore our own countries? What do you think?

#travel #mind #countries #first
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, travelling has become even more accessible and affordable for most people. Some prefer to travel to local cities,
whereas
 others are in favour of going abroad. It is essential to comprehend that the purposes of
this
 activity vary from gaining entertainment and building connections to learning a certain culture. All in all, travelling does expand one's knowledge and enrichen their experience by offering them an extraordinary way of life.
Therefore
, visiting other parts of the world will undoubtedly allow us to be even more aware of how the whole wide world both differs and collides in harmony. In that case, there is an unquestionable opportunity for someone to obtain new information and adapt to a contrasting environment in a different country.
Besides
, exploring the world will offer the visitor cherished perspectives and not only material goods
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 immaterial things.
Nonetheless
, seeking valuable memories
as well as
 widening your experiences does not require you to go far and beyond. In fact, not far from where you are standing was where your ancestors and their offspring made their long life history. That being said, to have a journey in our very own land is to discover our roots.
While
this
 is true, the order of one's decision to travel is utterly up to their preferences. To sum all up, the writer believes that
while
 roaming to "the unknown" indeed serves us beautiful diversity, it is a must for all humans to be acquainted with their own homeland.
However
, there is no correct way to travel. If one would rather voyage to the
further
 side of the map first than the closer side, they are the ones to make the call.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
To improve your score in Task Achievement, expand on your ideas to address all parts of the question fully. While the overall response is complete, the essay misses the opportunity to provide specific examples to support the arguments presented. To achieve a higher score, elaborate on the learning aspects of travel and offer concrete examples or personal experiences. Additionally, address whether we should first explore our own countries with more depth and justification which would enhance the completeness of the response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a logical sequence of ideas but can benefit from more cohesive devices and better paragraphing. To enhance your Coherence and Cohesion score, make sure each paragraph focuses on one central idea and use a range of linking words or phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly. Avoid long sentences without clear subordination or coordination, as they may challenge the reader's understanding of your arguments. Work on clear topic sentences and improved transitions to guide the reader through your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: