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Band 7.5

In many countries, the amount of crme is increasing. what do you think are the main causes of the crime? how do we deal with those causes?

#countries #amount #crme #crime
whether we like it or not, over the past few decades, a vast number of nations have been struggling with the matter of rising crime, which is a substantially significant topic.
Hence
, both prime causes and sensible solutions will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, some sections of society assert that the entertainment industry plays an indispensable role in causing the above-mentioned scenario. A staggering amount of individuals from youngsters to adolescents spend nearly all of their leisure time, playing action video games.
Consequently
,
this
 has detrimental effects on their unconscious mind.
As a result
, not only has the ratio of children committing crime or suicide dramatically increased but
also
 the amount of domestic violence is growing as well. Another essential criterion for
this
 trend would be that, after the pandemic, roughly all countries faced a paradigm shift in their economy.
In other words
, the product prices
such
 as groceries increased, albeit the people’s income remained the same.
Nonetheless
, people who were not able to provide their needs were attacking hypermarkets
such
 as Walmart with guns. There are,
however
, numerous implementations in tackling these difficulties. One feasible approach could be that governments should regulate the entertainment industry.
For instance
, video game producers should be forced to create games that emphasize more on physical activity,
such
 as dancing another alternative would be for governments could implement strategies
such
 as dedicating food coupons, or partial payment to the community so that their daily needs are provided more easily. All summed up, unquestionably, the amount of crime sword in many parts of the world. There are countless causes for
this
 assertion,
such
 as the role of the entertainment industry, and the economic breakdown.
On the other hand
, a lot can be done by governments to prevent
this
 trend from expanding.
Submitted by maryam.niknamm on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that this idea is expanded upon with relevant details and examples. The essay provided vague examples and could benefit from more specific and detailed illustrations to support the main points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve logical structuring by using more varied and accurate connectives to help your essay flow better. The use of transition phrases to connect ideas could be enhanced to create a more cohesive argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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