IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that violent films and videogames have negative effects on people and should be banned. Others think that they are just relaxation sources. Discuss both sides and give opinion.

#people #films #videogames #effects #relaxation #sources
One of the issues in today's society is how brutality in
media
 and
games
affetcs
Correct your spelling
affects
affect
people
. Some say that
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of films should not be allowed in public,
while
 others believe that these are
nessecary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for
people
 to stay calm and let go of their
anger
. I am
clined
Correct your spelling
inclined
 to agree with the latter opinion, as long as parents supervise their children and make sure they face the least
violence
 in
media
 or
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
. Some
people
 are against
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence
 in any type of
media
. They believe that if brutality is seen in the
movies
 and violent activities are done in
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
, it is more likely for
people
 to consider acting violently.
For example
, when someone frequently watches
movies
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 the main character beats others and easily gets away with it, he may
subconsiously
Correct your spelling
subconsciously
 think of doing so.
Hence
, in some situations
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
anger
 takes control, the
subconsious
Correct your spelling
subconscious
 may take the role.
Therefore
, some say that
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
movies
 and
games
 should be banned.
On the other hand
, some
people
 justify the idea of the
existance
Correct your spelling
existence
 of
violence
 in
media
 and
games
 with the fact that they help the
socity
Correct your spelling
society
 to release their negative emotions and
swallowed
Wrong verb form
swallow
show examples
anger
, so it prevents the brutality
to explode
Change preposition
from exploding
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life. They advocate their point of view with the example of
anccient
Correct your spelling
an ancient
 monarchy of
Greek
Correct your spelling
Greece
show examples
 who forced
people
 to watch brutal matches and bullfights, so they would not do violent activities in the nation.
Hence
, they think that
violence
 should exist in
movies
 and
games
 because it acts like therapy for
anger
 and
anxioty
Correct your spelling
anxiety
 in the association.
Overall
, I think a controlled amount of
violence
 should
exists
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
 in the
media
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 unless guardians supervise children to prevent them from getting obsessed with it. Parents must teach
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 children that they should not act
violent
Change the word
violently
show examples
 toward others and these are only allowed in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
 and films. A recommendation could be controlling their
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
 and limiting the
movies
 they watch.
Submitted by mohamad.sanaye462 on

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task achievement
The essay somewhat adapts a clear position throughout the response, but the argument could have been developed further with more substantiation. There needs to be a balance of discussing both views equally before presenting a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The majority of the essay maintains information and ideas in an orderly manner, however, some links between main points could be better established for a smoother flow of information.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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