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Band 2.5

the pie charty below show the average of household expenditure in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010

#charty #show #household #expenditure #japan #malaysia #year
The average
of
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apply
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household
 expenses in
Japan
 and
malaysia
Change the capitalization
Malaysia
show examples
 during 2010
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 depicted in the pie charts above. The
household
 expenditures include housing,
transportation
, food, health care
also
 other goods and services.
Overall
, the majority of citizens
at
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in
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Japan
 spent their money on other goods and services which reached about 29%.
While
 comparing with
Malaysia
, Housing was the most purchased
witth
Correct your spelling
with
total
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a total
show examples
34
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of 34
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%.
Health
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The health
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 care
section
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sector
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 is the lowest of expenditure’s percentage both in
Japan
 (6%) and
Malaysia
 (7%). The
percatage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of food
expense
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expenses
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 is 24% which
make
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makes
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 it
tooks
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take
 the second place
of
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for
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household
 expenditures in
Japan
. The spending on housing is almost the same as the
transportation
 in
Japan
which
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with
show examples
 21% spending on housing and 20% on
transportation
. Similar to
Japan
, the second percentage of people’s spending in
Malaysia
 is food which
about
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is about
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 27% but
this
 amount
near
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is near
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with
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to
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 the total spending on other
good
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goods
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 and services about 26%. The usage of
transportation
 in
malaysia
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Malaysia
show examples
 is
a
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apply
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half of
Japan
 just about 10%. In conclusion,
Japan
 and
Malaysia
 have a different portion of spending in every section of
household
 expenditures.
Submitted by hamidatul.mubayyinah on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from a clearer introduction that precisely outlines the comparison between household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia. For example, it should be clarified that the data is from 2010 and directly address what is being compared.
coherence and cohesion
Structure your essay more effectively by introducing clear paragraph separations. Furthermore, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the data. Avoid blending different topics in the same paragraph, and provide clear topic sentences to introduce them.
task achievement
While you presented the main points, they could be further supported by including more data-oriented details. Reference exact figures when discussing expenditures to enhance the quantifiable comparison between the two countries.
coherence and cohesion
Work on logically ordering the content. Present the categories in a consistent order when comparing two entities to maintain clarity. For instance, if discussing Japan's housing first, then do the same when discussing Malaysia's expenses.
coherence and cohesion
Connect your ideas more clearly using a range of cohesive devices and ensure that there are clear links between the main parts of the essay. Make sure each new sentence flows logically from the previous one, and use concluding sentences where appropriate to sum up the information provided.
task achievement
Your conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key differences and similarities more succinctly. Highlight the most striking contrasts or trends in household spending between Japan and Malaysia without introducing new information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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