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Band 5

These days, more and more people prefer to use shared transport such as buses, trams or carsharing applications on their smartphones rather than driving their own cars. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #transport #buses #trams #applications #smartphones #cars #development
The prevalence of online transport has been used by many
people
 in recent years.
This
 phenomenon could lead
people
 to use public transport or
carsharing
Correct your spelling
car sharing
show examples
. In my opinion,
this
 behaviour could give more advantages rather than the advantages.
This
 essay will elucidate what are the benefits of
people
predispose
Wrong verb form
predisposing
show examples
this
 way and the drawbacks. To commence the benefit of online transportation,
Firstly
, many
people
acquainted
Add a missing verb
are acquainted
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booking
Change preposition
with booking
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 their cars online because of its
convinience
Correct your spelling
convenience
.
This
 is because they could reserve shared-vehicle anywhere and
everytime
Replace the word
every time
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 on their phone.
Thus
, they will not need to worry if they want to travel from one place to another.
Secondly
,
people
Change noun form
people's
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 tendency to use public transportation could reduce the number of vehicles on
road
Correct article usage
the road
show examples
.
As a consequence
, it could minimize traffic
jam
Fix the agreement mistake
jams
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in
Change preposition
during
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 peak hours, especially in
bustling
Add an article
the bustling
a bustling
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city
Fix the agreement mistake
cities
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.
Thirdly
,
declining
Add an article
the declining
a declining
show examples
 number of transportation on the road could ameliorate the air condition.
On the other hand
, the
disadvantages
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantage
show examples
 of using carsharing
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the amount of fare that imposed
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the consumer is higher than
private
Change preposition
on private
show examples
car
Fix the agreement mistake
cars
show examples
.
Furthermore
, they have to be patient after booking their car on the application because the driver has to detour to many
location
Change to a plural noun
locations
show examples
. In conclusion, groundbreaking transport
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
, reducing traffic
bottleneck
Fix the agreement mistake
bottlenecks
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, and improving air quality are the reasons why many
people
 enjoy
carsharing
Correct article usage
the carsharing
show examples
 concept compared to
own
Wrong verb form
owning
show examples
car
Correct article usage
a car
show examples
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the advantages of
this
 development will outweigh its disadvantages.
After
this
 thorough analysis,
people
 should use
sharing
Wrong verb form
shared
show examples
vehicle
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicles
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 more than those
who
Change the pronoun
whom
show examples
 private ones to improve the
cities
Fix the agreement mistake
city
show examples
retorication
Correct your spelling
restoration
 in the future.
Submitted by dewifarraprasasya on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay overall demonstrates a limited ability to organize ideas logically and cohesively, there is a need for improved clarity and development of main points. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences are directly relevant to the topic sentence.
task achievement
The introduction and conclusion are present and you have attempted to address the question, though the response could benefit from further development and more specific examples. It's important to elaborate on points to fully satisfy the task requirements and provide a balanced argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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