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Writing Samples /
Band 4

An increasing number of people are buying what they need online. What are the advantages and disadvantages for both individuals and companies of shopping online?

#people #individuals #companies
Shopping online played an important part in
morden
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modern
 life. We all see that
,
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apply
show examples
 more and more
people
 prefer shopping online than shopping at
store
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stores
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. The reason is
its
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it's
it is
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 convenient for
people
 who do not have a lot of time to get to the store or hate crowded. They just sit at home and search for
products
what
Correct word choice
that
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 they need with simple steps. Another advantage is that you can read
describe
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the description
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 or review of
other customer
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another customer
other customers
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 before you make a decision
buy
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to buy
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 something. You can have a lot of benefits when you buy online because
selller
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sellers
 sometimes will have some
discount
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discounts
show examples
 and
voucher
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vouchers
show examples
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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cheaper price at
Add an article
the store
a store
show examples
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
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 so you can save lots of money. Deliver service to your home and sometimes you do not need to pay for
this
 service. Seller
also
 has benefits
such
 as they can sell their
products
 to all
people
 around the world, they do not need to pay money
for
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to
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 hire a place or investment. They
also
 can sell at flexible
time
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times
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.
However
, there are some
disavantages
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disadvantages
 with
consumer
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consumers
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. It
casuse
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causes
people
buy
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to buy
show examples
 many
unnescessary
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unnecessary
 things that can waste lots of money. Another example is
people
 can not touch or feel the
products
 directly when
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 buy or the things
you
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 buy
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 as
your
Correct pronoun usage
they
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expectation
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expect
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.
Moreover
, the
products
 may be
damage
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damaged
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 when
deliver
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delivered
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 and you have to wait to ask
refund
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the refund
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 or return
this
 product. With the seller, they can have
Add an article
the affect
an affect
show examples
affect
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effect
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of
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on
show examples
 their loss
profits
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of profits
show examples
 because some
people
 return
products
 without any
reasonable
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reason
show examples
. They really hard to gain more
customer
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customers
show examples
 again. They must compete with each other
seller
Fix the agreement mistake
sellers
show examples
 on price and quality of
products
.
Submitted by jakelong16091994 on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are fundamental for structuring any IELTS essay. There should be a defined opening paragraph that introduces the topic and a closing paragraph that summarizes your arguments and perspective.
Logical structure
The organization of ideas within your essay is somewhat haphazard. It is important to sequence information logically, creating paragraphs that each focus on one main idea. Connect sentences and paragraphs more clearly using linking words and phrases.
Supported Main Points
While you have provided several points to support the advantages and disadvantages, the development of ideas is quite superficial. Deepen your analysis and try to provide more elaborated explanations and detailed examples for each point raised. This will make your essay more compelling and coherent.
Complete Response & Clear, Comprehensive Ideas
You have addressed the task but the response is incomplete. Include both sides of the argument more explicitly in all parts of your essay. The ideas presented need to be more comprehensive and articulated in a clearer manner to fully satisfy the prompt's requirements.
Relevant, Specific Examples
While you have given examples, aim to give more specific illustrations that relate directly to the advantages and disadvantages mentioned, which will enhance the relevancy and effectiveness of your examples. Remember to substantiate your points with detailed evidence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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