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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion Some people think that governments should ban dangerous sports, while others think people should have freedom to do any sports or activity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that dangerous
sports
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 should be prohibited to protect
people
Use synonyms
 from harm, others argue that
people
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 should have the freedom to do any
sports
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 they
enjoyed
Wrong verb form
enjoy
show examples
, including extreme
sports
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.
Although
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 both are justified, the latter seems to be more in line with my standpoint. On the one hand,
people
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 argue that dangerous
sports
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 must be banned because they can bring danger to
people
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 and
creates
Correct subject-verb agreement
create
show examples
 some tragedies for their families.
For example
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, bungee jumping and base jumping can be extremely hazardous, and in some cases, even fatal. Not only bungee jumping, but
also
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 many other
sports
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,
such
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 as High-Altitude-Jumps, Cliff-Diving, and Drag-racing caused many deaths yearly.
Therefore
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, the government should prohibit
such
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 kinds of extreme
sports
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 to protect
people
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 from harm.
On the other hand
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, those who are against banning extreme
sports
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 claim that
people
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 should have the freedom to engage in the
activities
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 they enjoy.
For instance
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, some
people
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 enjoy skydiving, and it is their right to experience
this
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 type of activity if they wish to do so.
Furthermore
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, extreme
sports
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 allow
people
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 to learn to overcome their
fear
Fix the agreement mistake
fears
show examples
 and break through their limits, which is beneficial to improve
people
Use synonyms
's psychological quality.
Lastly
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, banning certain
sports
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 or
activities
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 can be seen as a violation of
people
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's freedom and rights, and will lead to many protests against the government.
To sum up
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, I believe
people
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 have the right to pursue the
activities
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 that they enjoy, but they should have appropriate measures to keep themselves in safety
such
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 as governments regularly supervising the facilities of
sports
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 companies and the areas where the
sports
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 take place. In
this
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 way,
people
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 can still experience the thrill of extreme
sports
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 and dangerous
activities
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,
while
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also
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 being protected from potential harm.

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Coherence Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that your essay maintains a clear and logical structure throughout. Transition words and phrases should be used effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs. Pay attention to paragraph structuring, ensuring each one presents and develops a single clear idea.
Task Achievement
To achieve a higher task achievement score, you need to fully address all parts of the task. This requires you to discuss both views given in the question and provide relevant, detailed examples to support your arguments. Finally, your own opinion should be clear and developed thoroughly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • severe injuries
  • fatalities
  • base jumping
  • bull running
  • extreme skiing
  • safeguard
  • well-being
  • regulating
  • avoidable harm
  • healthcare costs
  • burdening
  • personal freedom
  • autonomy
  • training
  • equipment
  • mitigated
  • personal satisfaction
  • mental health benefits
  • resilience
  • adventure
  • assess risks
  • public safety
  • unnecessary healthcare costs
  • outright bans
  • balanced approach
  • stringent safety standards
  • mandatory training sessions
  • adequately informed
  • safeguarding
  • public health
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