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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think that modern technology is making people more sociable, while others think it is making them less sociable. Discuss both views and give your opinio

#people #technology #opinio
There are competing views on the effects of modern
technology
 on socializing.
Although
 some
people
 do not use it really well, I still think
technology
 at
this
 moment helps many
people
 to talk and socialize with other
people
, with easy access and faster process.
People
 who are experiencing less connection with
others
due to
 the growth of
technology
 may not utilize it well.
For instance
, they can be too focused on other things
such
 as playing games, reading the news, and doing some research except socializing with
others
,
thus
 resulting in less communication and less sociability.
However
, I do not think modern
technology
 causes
people
 to become anti-social. There are a lot of good things about communicating or starting to talk with
people
 through a media social or messenger application.
Others
,
on the other hand
, argue that a gadget or anything related to
technology
 is one strong factor in socializing because they have short access and an easy way to connect to other
people
. It just takes a matter of seconds without any important effort to talk to a new person, to gain knowledge or information, or perhaps to pitch an investor. A good example of
this
 is, that
people
 can join a group on a media social platform, Facebook, for any specialization
such
 as
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
groups
, sports
groups
, and math
groups
. They can start talking there and doing some discussion just to socialize. In conclusion,
although
 there are
groups
 that do not get any benefit from modern
technology
 in their social life, many
people
 feel that
technology
,
such
 as media social makes them simple to communicate with
others
.
Therefore
, modern
technology
 is always a good thing when for socializing.
Submitted by rezaf.permadi on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical structure, but transitions between ideas could be smoother and more nuanced to ensure a seamlessly argued position.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, though they lack a clear thesis statement and a definitive stance, which should be evident throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported, however, the argument would benefit from more developed examples and a clearer explanation of how technological engagement directly affects sociability.
task achievement
Address both views as required by the task, yet the response can be more balanced by providing equal discussion for each view before presenting a conclusion.
task achievement
Ideas are communicated, but the development of those ideas is basic. It's important to demonstrate the ability to discuss complex issues articulately and in depth.
task achievement
While relevant examples are provided, they are somewhat generic. Aim to include more specific and varied illustrations to substantiate the claims made in the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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