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Band 3.5

Some experts believe that when a country is already rich, any additional increase economic wealth does not make ota citizens more happier.Do you agree or disagree?

#experts #country #wealth #ota #citizens
Countries
such
 as Dubai,
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States, and Australia, are wealthy and well-developed. There are experts saying that additional economic
growth
 would not increase the happiness level of the
citizens
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 those countries.
However
, there are always some people who are living
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
 poverty and
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 financial help, so I strongly disagree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their opinions. Every country has people who live below the poverty line and need financial help from their government for basic living support. The wealthier the country is,
more
Correct the article
the more
show examples
econimics
Correct your spelling
economics
economic
 support the government can provide to their
citizens
.
For example
,
Australian
Add an article
the Australian
show examples
 government provides Centrelink to those who struggle with basic living
cost
Fix the agreement mistake
costs
show examples
, which can reduce their financial stress
,
Correct word choice
and, therefore
show examples
therefore
,
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
 their quality of life and happiness.
On the other hand
, economic wealth
corelates
Correct your spelling
correlates
 to the spending power of the
citizens
. The
growth
 of wealth
increases
 the purchasing power of the
citizens
. They can buy materials that they could not buy before, which can achieve emotional
fullfillness
Correct your spelling
fulfilment
,
thus
influence
Wrong verb form
influencing
show examples
 their
overall
 happiness.
To conclude
,
economic
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
growth
 of a country
increases
 the financial support provided to those poor
citizens
,
as well as
increases
 their
abiility
Correct your spelling
ability
of spending
Change preposition
to spend
show examples
.
Therefore
, I personally believe that additional
growth
 of economic wealth can have a positive influence
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the level of
happiniess
Correct your spelling
happiness
 of the
citizens
.
Submitted by niki1028 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear position throughout with an introduction and a conclusion, which is good. However, the logical structuring of ideas could be enhanced. Some paragraphs appear underdeveloped and would benefit from more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
You addressed the task, presenting your opinion and explaining it. Yet, for a higher band score, it would be beneficial to develop your main points more fully and provide more specific, elaborated examples to substantiate your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • emotional fulfillment
  • wealth disparity
  • social cohesion
  • cultural norms
  • environmental degradation
  • sustainable development
  • subjective well-being
  • community bonds
  • work-life balance
  • basic needs
  • relative wealth
  • economic indicators
  • hedonic treadmill
What to do next:
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