IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people think a solution can be to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
In
this
 day and age, gaining weight is a global problem. The increasing number of residents are becoming victims of
obesity
. Some
people
 argue that to solve
this
 situation, it is necessary to go up the expenditure of
food
 which is high in fat. It seems to me that, being overweight is not only by
food
 but
also
due to
 human habits. I will shed light on my opinion in the following essay. On the one hand, there is no denying that pricing fattening foods at a higher cost can demonstrate some effectiveness in reducing the risk of
obesity
.
Firstly
, when unhealthy
food
 items become more expensive,
people
 are more likely to reconsider their choices and seek out more nutritious options.
For instance
, if a bottle of sugary water costs more than a bottle of water,
people
 will choose the latter, thereby reducing their calorie intake.
Secondly
,
this
 price growth will motivate individuals to reduce the frequency and quantity of purchases, reducing
overall
 consumption and thereby the likelihood of
obesity
.
On the other hand
, other measures with far-reaching impacts should be given greater consideration. Nowadays, a large number of
people
 are leading a sedentary lifestyle which is considered as one of the major reasons for
obesity
.
Therefore
, physical exercise plays a vital role in maintaining a healthy body.
Besides
, participating in
counseling
Change the spelling
counselling
show examples
 sessions with nutrition experts can provide valuable insights into a healthy and balanced diet.
For example
, by gradually transitioning from fat-heavy to more nourishing
food
 options, individuals can make better-informed choices for their daily diet, leading to a significant decrease in
obesity
 rates over the long run. In conclusion, it can be argued that
while
 the rise in fattening
food
 prices can be a viable solution to a certain extent, other measures still need to be taken to comprehensively reduce
this
obesity
 circumstance
Submitted by quynhtranhbh on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
While the overall logical structure of the essay is acceptable, consider constructing more fluid transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas. Use linking words and phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
Although the introduction and conclusion are present and well-formulated, strive for a sharper thesis statement and topic sentences that clearly outline your stance and the essay structure.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally supported, but the essay would benefit from more elaboration and detailed evidence. Provide more specific examples and data to back up your claims, particularly when contrasting different viewpoints.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, the response addresses the prompt, but it tends to be slightly superficial in parts. Expand your ideas, providing a more thorough exposition of how pricing could affect people's choices.
task achievement
The ideas presented need to be clearer and more comprehensive. Work on refining your arguments and ensuring that each paragraph contains one clear main idea with ample support.
task achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples is vital to achieving higher scores. Your essay currently lacks sufficient examples to illustrate the arguments. Integrate more real-world instances or studies to validate your viewpoints.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: