IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, enterprises' main focus is to offer their
items
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 in new ways,in their campaigns.The reason behind
this
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 is to compete and attract their customers.
According to
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 me,
this
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 is a negative development. To commence with,businesses do prefer to bring something extra to their
products
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.The point behind
this
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 innovation is,they want to live in the cruel market of the world.
In other words
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,they have to compete with their opponents, in certain fields.
For example
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, in the mobile market,there are many companies,
these
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and these
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 firms have to change their
items
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,to remain in the competition.So,they have to make
changes
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 in their
products
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 when they advertise.
Secondly
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,commercials do alternation in their commodities because they want to attract buyers.It is generally believed that folks show more interest in new things than in old ones.
Moreover
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,new customers are always looking for something extra.
For instance
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,Toyota which is a car industry , from Japan,company add new models every year to attract its buyers.
Therefore
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,
changes
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 can attract new individuals.
According to
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 my point of view,it is a negative development because companies can drive false campaigns to encourage people.
In addition
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,
changes
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 in the
products
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 can only be on the pages of advertisements.
Thus
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,these false promotions can lead to a disaster.The second argument is that these
changes
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 in the promotion can disregard the values of existing
products
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.
Furthermore
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,It can be proven as a nightmare for old
items
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 and can reduce their prices. In conclusion,
causes
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the causes
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 behind commercials
to
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are to
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 put their efforts to bring a new change in their
items
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,in the promotion to remain in the market, and to convince buyers.
Consequently
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,arguments behind considering it a negative development are false promotion and decreasing values of the old
products
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Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay struggles with clear logical structure; ideas are presented but without a clear, flowing sequence. Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly and ensuring each paragraph flows into the next coherently.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provided an introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, they should encapsulate the main points of your essay more effectively. The introduction should set a clearer outline of your discussion, and the conclusion should summarize your main points more distinctly.
Coherence & Cohesion
You included main points and some support for your ideas, which is positive. To improve, ensure each main point is developed fully with clear examples that are directly relevant to the question. Avoid generalizations and focus on specific, detailed, and illustrative examples.
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but your response need to be developed further for completeness. Make sure you fully explore the 'why' aspect of advertising newness and discuss both sides (positive and negative developments) as the question requires.
Task Achievement
The ideas in your essay are somewhat clear, but the comprehensive development of those ideas is lacking. Ensure that you fully explain your points with detailed reasoning and expand on how they answer the given question.
Task Achievement
You attempted to use examples, but your examples are not specific enough to effectively illustrate your point. Aim to include clear, specific details in your examples that directly relate to the assertions you are making.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emphasise
  • advertising
  • products
  • innovation
  • competitive strategy
  • consumer dissatisfaction
  • value
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