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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
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Many of us believe that taking
risks
 in
professional
Correct pronoun usage
our professional
show examples
lives
as well as
 in our personal
lives
 is very crucial. The main advantages of taking
risks
 are growth and prosperity, and overcoming the struggles of career and domestic
life
.These reasons clearly outweigh the disadvantages which are the loss of everything and the aim of unrealistic goals. To commence with,the principal pro is to take steps in the career
life
 and in the personal
life
.It is generally believed that when folks take
risks
 in their
lives
,they achieve their goals.
For instance
,Pakistan national cricket team player Haris Rauf took the
risk
 of being jobless,he went to take part in the Lahore Qalander selection and development program.There,he selected and now he
lives
 a prosperous
life
.So,
risk
 is mandatory to get success in both professional and personal
lives
.The second advantage is to overcome the obstacles of
life
.
Moreover
,It is considered that man can only succeed in his
life
 if he has the courage to take
risks
.The reward of
risk
 might be beautiful.
Therefore
,
the first step is
 necessary to win against difficulties.
On the other hand
,
this
 situation has disadvantages as well.The principal negative point is the loss of everything.As everyone knows
risks
 have their own hazards.Taking a step might end up in the loss of a job and being homeless.
In addition
,
risk
 in personal
life
 is more effective because it has consequences on family and relationships.
Risk
 has personal downsides as well.
For example
,If I decide to swim
then
 might be I drownded.
Risk
 is always present with success. In conclusion,having risky steps gives opportunities for growth and prosperity and to handle difficulties
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both
lives
Verb problem
apply
show examples
professional and personal.These positive points have more worth than their drawbacks.
Submitted by jamalashraf45 on

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Coherence
It would be beneficial to structure your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs to facilitate a logical flow. Each paragraph should deal with one main point, and the connection between these points needs to be more explicitly stated.
Cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, but these could be more impactful by stating your position more clearly and summarizing your arguments effectively in the conclusion.
Task Response
Your response seems to be somewhat complete, but it lacks a clear position throughout the essay. A stronger stance on the topic, with more developed arguments, would enhance your task achievement score.
Ideas
While some ideas are presented, they need to be clearer and more comprehensive. Developing each point fully will result in an essay that better addresses the task.
Examples
Use specific, relevant examples to support your claims. The current examples are somewhat general and do not unequivocally demonstrate the advantages or disadvantages of taking risks.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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