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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#governments #world #money #illnesses #diseases #health #education #prevention
Govrnments
Correct your spelling
Governments
 spend a huge amount of
money
 to therapy some diseases in the whole world and not
enogh
Correct your spelling
enough
 on health
edgucation
Correct your spelling
education
 and prevention. I agree
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
to some extent and in
this
assay
Correct your spelling
essay
show examples
 will discuss
this
 topic from my point of view. On the one hand, it can certainly said that
prevent
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
 of some
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 would be better
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
treat
Wrong verb form
treating
show examples
 that, and its cost will be over twice.
therefore
 it is reasonable that
people
 are
though
Correct your spelling
taught
show examples
 subjects related to health
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 help us to protect
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
show examples
 against diseases.
Unfurtunately
Correct your spelling
Unfortunately
 some country allocate their fund
for treat
Change preposition
to treating
show examples
ilness istead
Correct your spelling
illness instead
 of
spend
Change the verb form
spending
show examples
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the way they need to know how to overcome some
disseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
in
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 some diseases
exists
Change the verb form
exist
show examples
,
such
 as
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
 that would not be treated.
Therefore
government
 should take
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
immidiate
Correct your spelling
immediate
 action about
this
 important issue that could cause death and put their life in danger.
As a result
, it is not plausible to ignore some
nessecary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 health care, because it has a lot of negative consequences.
On the other hand
, it is wearable that in many
country
Change to a plural noun
countries
show examples
,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
care
Correct subject-verb agreement
cares
show examples
 about their
people
 and
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
show examples
a huge sums
Correct the article-noun agreement
huge sums
a huge sum
show examples
 of
money
 for their survival, but it is not
enogh
Correct your spelling
enough
 to rescue their life. unfortunately in some countries
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
dos
Correct your spelling
does
show examples
 not care about
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and they prefer to spend
money
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
another unimportant things
Replace the adjective
another unimportant thing
other unimportant things
show examples
.
While
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 know the value of their
people
 and
pay
Correct subject-verb agreement
pays
show examples
money
 for them, it seems like humanitarian work. They have to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of every
aspects
Change to a singular noun
aspect
show examples
 of
this
 topic and solve
this
 problem. In
cunclosion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, it is
abvios
Correct your spelling
obvious
 that if
government
 spend more
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 prevention it could bring
breakthrough
Correct article usage
a breakthrough
show examples
, but I can not say that all the country in the same situation. I guess it
deponds
Correct your spelling
depends
 on that
coutry
Correct your spelling
country
 and
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
 policy makers, because who are those that decide
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how much budget
shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 be devoted to
prevention
Add an article
the prevention
show examples
 of
deseases
Correct your spelling
diseases
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Submitted by hastytajassosy on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents ideas that are somewhat organized but there is a considerable lack in the logical flow of information, with thoughts appearing disconnected at times. Work on creating clear, logical connections between sentences and paragraphs to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but they lack clarity and do not strongly present the main topic and summarize the arguments made. Focus on crafting an introduction that states the discussion topic clearly, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes the points made.
coherence cohesion
You need to expand upon your main points with clearly supported arguments. Try to use concrete examples and explanations to substantiate your claims and add depth to your discussion.
task achievement
Your response only partially addresses the task requirements. It is important to cover all parts of the question thoroughly. Discuss both sides if required, and ensure your personal position is clear throughout the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented are somewhat clear, but the overall progression of the essay can be improved. Aim to develop each point comprehensively to convey a more detailed understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Specific examples are lacking, which weakens the overall argument. Make use of relevant, specific examples to strengthen your essay and provide tangible support for your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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