IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

There are more and more effective security measures in large cities to reduce the crime. Does this endeavor bring more benefits than problems?

#security #measures #cities #crime #endeavor
Since the
crime
 rate has increased in many
cities
 some security actions are
taken
Add a missing verb
being taken
show examples
 to
control
 the
amount
 of crimes which not only can
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
make
cities
 much safer places but
also
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can reduce the
amount
 of crimes;
Therefore
 in my opinion security
measures
 can be beneficial to
control
cities
 and make them much safer despite minor inconveniences they may
cause
. security
measures
 can
cause
 some problems;
Firstly
 the
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
amount
 of police
officers
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
streets
Correct article usage
the streets
show examples
 might increase the stress rate in
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 mind and people may not feel comfortable any more,children are the biggest
victoms
Correct your spelling
victims
 of
this
 treatment.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 it may
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the transportation system the more police
officers
 lunch in streets the more areas will be involved and occupied and the passing areas
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
ill
Correct your spelling
will
show examples
 be limited and tighter for citizens despite some problems it may
cause
 the more effective
measures
 can be beneficial in many ways;
Firstly
 the more likely
officers
 take
control
 of the
cities
 the more likely
cities
 will be safe in
this
 way people will feel individual safety and it
increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
 the satisfaction in
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 mind.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 it is helpful to reduce
crime
,with the
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
amount
 of
control
 and
officers
 in areas the offenders will feel less comfortable as they did before
to commit
Change the verb form
committing
show examples
crime
Add an article
a crime
the crime
show examples
 and their plans might turn out to be a failure so it will be helpful to reduce the
crime
 rate. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that
crime
-preventive
measures
 are necessary and beneficial despite
minor
Correct article usage
the minor
show examples
 inconveniences they may
cause
.
Submitted by Arman on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction/Conclusion
The essay addresses the topic but needs a better structured introduction and a clearer conclusion. Ensure you begin with a clear thesis statement and end with a conclusive summary of your points.
Coherence
Enhance coherence by organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each one for a separate argument. Use a topic sentence to start each paragraph. Consider transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Support your points with more specific examples and clearer comprehensive ideas. This can be done by providing real-life instances or statistics related to the security measures and their effects.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: