IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

People today are more concerned with owning material possessions than with developing friendships and family relationships. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#people #possessions #friendships #relationships
It is claimed that
people
 in recent generations
care
 more about their own wealth which includes mobile phones, houses, cars…etc than bonding with their friends and family.I
am partially agree
Change the verb form
partially agree
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 with the statement, one of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 is that
people
 who always want to pursue
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better material possessions not only
care
 about themselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 want to have a great connection with
others
.The other reason is they
do spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 a lot of
time
to earn
Change the verb form
earning
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 money
instead
 of
accompany
Wrong verb form
accompanying
show examples
 their friend and family. On the one hand, the reason why
people
 are obsessed with
value
Correct article usage
the value
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material
Change preposition
of material
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 things is because the whole society is over complete with each other.
Besides
,
due to
 the popularity of social media,
people
 always compare themselves with each other and are always afraid if they do not have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 newest smartphone or clothes, they will lose the opportunity to act with
others
 or will be underestimated.
Moreover
, some
people
care
 about their property because they want to give their family a better life, not just for their own but they want to have a deeper and responsible relationship.
On the other hand
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days, most
people
 spend too much
time
 accumulating their possessions and that
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 them
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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 enough
time
 to maintain their friendships and family relationships
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they have to work late and focus on their wealth
and
Correct word choice
apply
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 means they do not have spare
time
 to interact with
others
.
To sum up
, I think why
people
 want to have more material possessions is
due to
 their inner desire which they want to somehow interact with
others
 and that does not mean they do not
care
 about their relationships with friends or family.
Submitted by JIllhuang0310 on

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Task Achievement
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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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