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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What are the causes and how it could be solved?

#parts #world #children #teenagers #time #indoors
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In these
Change preposition
These
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 days, many youngsters tend to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 in their homes than spending their
time
Use synonyms
 in the outdoors.
Main
Add an article
The main
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 reason for
this
Linking Words
 can be the current technological expansion, which has been opening numerous indoor
activities
Use synonyms
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers, and as a solution for
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 we can encourage them by using
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 technology to show them the natural part of the world. I accept the fact that, in
present
Add an article
the present
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situation
Add a comma
situation,
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 there are many kids
wanting
Wrong verb form
who want
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 to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 in their
Use synonyms
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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. Unlike
past
Correct article usage
the past
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 few decades children don’t have to find a playground to play with their peers they can just play video games with them without moving away from their comfort zone.
Also
Linking Words
, they don’t need to go out to hang out with their friends because they can just
face
Correct your spelling
FaceTime
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time
Use synonyms
 with each other at
home
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are
lot
Correct article usage
a lot
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 of new inventions to spend free
time
Use synonyms
within
Change preposition
in
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house
Correct article usage
the house
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.
Likewise
Linking Words
, video games,
home
Use synonyms
 theatre systems and social media.
Due to
Linking Words
 these
facts
Add a comma
facts,
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 many of them became lazy to leave their houses.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, we can use the same thing to encourage them to find more outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, there are many travel vloggers
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social media showing
the
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apply
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outdoor beauty and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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activities
Use synonyms
 which can encourage more people to walk around.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, schools can lead their students to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports like basketball, cricket and badminton so they can find more hobbies.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents must
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
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 of
this
Linking Words
 and they should engage
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 more outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 with their kids.
For instance
Linking Words
, going on a road trip or camping with their
kinds
Correct your spelling
kids
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 can force them to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, development in technology opened numerous ways to spend the
down
Correct your spelling
downtime
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 at
home
Use synonyms
. So many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
kids nowadays spend more
time
Use synonyms
 inside of their houses. As a solution, we must show them the ways to spend
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outdoors in different ways to encourage them.
Submitted by darshanadnj20 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has an adequate structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, however, the body paragraphs need to be more developed to fully support your main points. Aim to expand each point with detailed explanations or examples.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a logical progression of ideas, it's important to ensure the use of cohesive devices to better connect paragraphs and individual sentences. Consider varying your linking words and phrases to increase the clarity of relationships between ideas.
task achievement
You've provided a sufficient response to the task with a clear position, but your ideas could be more fully expanded. Incorporate a wider range of examples to illustrate your points, and ensure examples are specific and directly relevant to the question.
task achievement
Attempt to discuss all parts of the task evenly. This essay tends to focus more on the problem than the solution. Structuring your essay to dedicate equal consideration to both causes and solutions will strengthen your task achievement score.
task achievement
Carefully proofread your work to avoid grammatical errors which can hinder the clarity of your expression. Grammatical variety and accuracy are crucial for a higher band score. Consider reviewing fundamental grammar rules and practicing their correct usage.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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