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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smart phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is the positive or negative development?

#children #hours #phones #case #development
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With
current
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the current
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 advancement of
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 technology, it attracts many users, especially
children
Use synonyms
, to use up their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
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 every day. The main root cause of
this
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 habit is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of control from
parents
Use synonyms
 to limit
children
Use synonyms
's screen time. In my opinion, it leads to a negative development since
the
Correct article usage
apply
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physical fitness can be declined as
children
Use synonyms
 will find
Add an article
the smart
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smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more appealing.
To begin
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 with, the true premise why many
children
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 get
addict
Wrong verb form
addicted
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 to their
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
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phone
Use synonyms
 is
parents
Use synonyms
 who do not restrict the daily usage rate.
This
Linking Words
 issue can appear because many
parents
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 utilize
Add an article
the smart
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smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
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phone
Use synonyms
 as a companion
agent
Fix the agreement mistake
agents
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 for their kids
while
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 they are away for work. Take
myself
Change the pronoun
me
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 as an example. Since my mom is
as
Correct your spelling
an
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exceptionally
Change the word
exceptional
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 workaholic, she does not have enough time to control my screen time and she tends to give
extra
Correct pronoun usage
me extra
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 allowance
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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since she
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 provide me with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other alternative
entertainments
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entertainment
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.
As a result
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, with no adequate restriction from our closest people, it makes
children
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 spend their hours on
phones
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.
This
Linking Words
 tendency can lead to a bad effect.
Children
Use synonyms
 who
allocate
Verb problem
spend
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 their whole seconds on
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 will increase
the
Change the word
their
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 chance
to
Change preposition
of
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get
Verb problem
becoming
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 obese.
This
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 happens as kids refuse to move their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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 frequently,
hence
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 the
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
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 intake and
fat burning
Add a hyphen
fat-burning
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 rate will be unbalanced.
For instance
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, 90% of
total
Correct article usage
the total
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children
Use synonyms
 populations in America
get
Verb problem
are
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 obese and research states that the main contributing factor is the inclination to choose online games on
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
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phones
Use synonyms
 rather than outdoor activities.
This
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 is
a concrete evidence
Remove the article
concrete evidence
a piece of concrete evidence
a shred of concrete evidence
show examples
 about how excessive smart
Use synonyms
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
show examples
 usage can
direct
Verb problem
lead
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 to a bad consequence.
To sum up
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, many
children
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 spend their whole seconds on their
phones
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.
While
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parents
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' control can be a reason for
this
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 problem, I believe
this
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 trend
able
Add a missing verb
is able
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 to foster a bad impact
to
Change preposition
on
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children
Use synonyms
's health status.
Submitted by aidafathiaa on

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coherence cohesion
It is essential to maintain a logical flow within the essay by linking ideas and paragraphs coherently, with a clearer progression of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both presented but could be strengthened. Make sure to clearly introduce the topic, outline your position, and then restate and reaffirm that position in the conclusion for maximum impact.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, make sure to develop each one with a specific example or clear rationale. While some points were supported, further development and specificity could enhance the quality of your argument.
task achievement
To fully meet the task requirements, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt. This includes why children use smartphones for hours and whether this is a positive or negative development. You should provide a balanced view or a clear opinion with strong support throughout the essay.
task achievement
Present ideas comprehensively by fully exploring the implications, comparisons, or contrasts of the discussion. Avoid skimming over surface-level points.
task achievement
Using relevant examples is good, but the examples must be specific and directly related to the points being made. General statements such as '90% of total children populations in America get obese' need to be supported by accurate data or sources to be credible.
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