Some children spend hours every day on their smart phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is the positive or negative development?
With
current
advancement of Add an article
the current
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
phone
technology, it attracts many users, especially children
, to use up their times
every day. The main root cause of Fix the agreement mistake
time
this
habit is lack
of control from Correct article usage
a lack
parents
to limit children
's screen time. In my opinion, it leads to a negative development since the
physical fitness can be declined as Correct article usage
apply
children
will find Add an article
the smart
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
phone
is
more appealing.
Unnecessary verb
apply
To begin
with, the true premise why many children
get addict
to their Wrong verb form
addicted
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
phone
is parents
who do not restrict the daily usage rate. This
issue can appear because many parents
utilize Add an article
the smart
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
phone
as a companion agent
for their kids Fix the agreement mistake
agents
while
they are away for work. Take myself
as an example. Since my mom is Change the pronoun
me
as
Correct your spelling
an
exceptionally
workaholic, she does not have enough time to control my screen time and she tends to give Change the word
exceptional
extra
allowance Correct pronoun usage
me extra
for
Change preposition
apply
me
since she Correct pronoun usage
apply
could not
provide me with Wrong verb form
cannot
the
other alternative Correct article usage
apply
entertainments
. Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
As a result
, with no adequate restriction from our closest people, it makes children
spend their hours on phones
.
This
tendency can lead to a bad effect. Children
who allocate
their whole seconds on Verb problem
spend
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
phone
will increase the
chance Change the word
their
to
Change preposition
of
get
obese. Verb problem
becoming
This
happens as kids refuse to move their body
frequently, Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
hence
the calories
intake and Change the noun form
calorie
fat burning
rate will be unbalanced. Add a hyphen
fat-burning
For instance
, 90% of total
Correct article usage
the total
children
populations in America get
obese and research states that the main contributing factor is the inclination to choose online games on Verb problem
are
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
phones
rather than outdoor activities. This
is a concrete evidence
about how excessive smart Remove the article
concrete evidence
a piece of concrete evidence
a shred of concrete evidence
phones
usage can Fix the agreement mistake
phone
direct
to a bad consequence.
Verb problem
lead
To sum up
, many children
spend their whole seconds on their phones
. While
parents
' control can be a reason for this
problem, I believe this
trend able
to foster a bad impact Add a missing verb
is able
to
Change preposition
on
children
's health status.Submitted by aidafathiaa on
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coherence cohesion
It is essential to maintain a logical flow within the essay by linking ideas and paragraphs coherently, with a clearer progression of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both presented but could be strengthened. Make sure to clearly introduce the topic, outline your position, and then restate and reaffirm that position in the conclusion for maximum impact.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, make sure to develop each one with a specific example or clear rationale. While some points were supported, further development and specificity could enhance the quality of your argument.
task achievement
To fully meet the task requirements, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt. This includes why children use smartphones for hours and whether this is a positive or negative development. You should provide a balanced view or a clear opinion with strong support throughout the essay.
task achievement
Present ideas comprehensively by fully exploring the implications, comparisons, or contrasts of the discussion. Avoid skimming over surface-level points.
task achievement
Using relevant examples is good, but the examples must be specific and directly related to the points being made. General statements such as '90% of total children populations in America get obese' need to be supported by accurate data or sources to be credible.