IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smart phones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is the positive or negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With
current
Add an article
the current
show examples
 advancement of
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 technology, it attracts many users, especially
children
Use synonyms
, to use up their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 every day. The main root cause of
this
Linking Words
 habit is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of control from
parents
Use synonyms
 to limit
children
Use synonyms
's screen time. In my opinion, it leads to a negative development since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical fitness can be declined as
children
Use synonyms
 will find
Add an article
the smart
show examples
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more appealing.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the true premise why many
children
Use synonyms
 get
addict
Wrong verb form
addicted
show examples
 to their
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 is
parents
Use synonyms
 who do not restrict the daily usage rate.
This
Linking Words
 issue can appear because many
parents
Use synonyms
 utilize
Add an article
the smart
show examples
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 as a companion
agent
Fix the agreement mistake
agents
show examples
 for their kids
while
Linking Words
 they are away for work. Take
myself
Change the pronoun
me
show examples
 as an example. Since my mom is
as
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
exceptionally
Change the word
exceptional
show examples
 workaholic, she does not have enough time to control my screen time and she tends to give
extra
Correct pronoun usage
me extra
show examples
 allowance
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
me
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
since she
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 provide me with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other alternative
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, with no adequate restriction from our closest people, it makes
children
Use synonyms
 spend their hours on
phones
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 tendency can lead to a bad effect.
Children
Use synonyms
 who
allocate
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 their whole seconds on
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phone
Use synonyms
 will increase
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 chance
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
get
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
 obese.
This
Linking Words
 happens as kids refuse to move their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 frequently,
hence
Linking Words
 the
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
 intake and
fat burning
Add a hyphen
fat-burning
show examples
 rate will be unbalanced.
For instance
Linking Words
, 90% of
total
Correct article usage
the total
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 populations in America
get
Verb problem
are
show examples
 obese and research states that the main contributing factor is the inclination to choose online games on
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
phones
Use synonyms
 rather than outdoor activities.
This
Linking Words
 is
a concrete evidence
Remove the article
concrete evidence
a piece of concrete evidence
a shred of concrete evidence
show examples
 about how excessive smart
Use synonyms
phones
Fix the agreement mistake
phone
show examples
 usage can
direct
Verb problem
lead
show examples
 to a bad consequence.
To sum up
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 spend their whole seconds on their
phones
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
' control can be a reason for
this
Linking Words
 problem, I believe
this
Linking Words
 trend
able
Add a missing verb
is able
show examples
 to foster a bad impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's health status.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
It is essential to maintain a logical flow within the essay by linking ideas and paragraphs coherently, with a clearer progression of ideas from introduction to conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both presented but could be strengthened. Make sure to clearly introduce the topic, outline your position, and then restate and reaffirm that position in the conclusion for maximum impact.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, make sure to develop each one with a specific example or clear rationale. While some points were supported, further development and specificity could enhance the quality of your argument.
task achievement
To fully meet the task requirements, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt. This includes why children use smartphones for hours and whether this is a positive or negative development. You should provide a balanced view or a clear opinion with strong support throughout the essay.
task achievement
Present ideas comprehensively by fully exploring the implications, comparisons, or contrasts of the discussion. Avoid skimming over surface-level points.
task achievement
Using relevant examples is good, but the examples must be specific and directly related to the points being made. General statements such as '90% of total children populations in America get obese' need to be supported by accurate data or sources to be credible.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: