IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different culteres and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #culteres #ages
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It is widely believed that one of the good ways to connect individuals of some cultures and
ages
Use synonyms
 together is
music
Use synonyms
. Personally, I can neither completely agree
or
Replace the word
nor
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 disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for a variety of reasons. I partly agree that
music
Use synonyms
 can be used as a nonverbal tool to connect
people
Use synonyms
 from
multi-countries
Correct your spelling
multiple countries
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as well as
Linking Words
 some different
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
. One of the main reasons can be that
by
Change preposition
through
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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music
Use synonyms
 we can give our
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
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 independently from language.
This
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mean
Change the verb form
means
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 that by using
music
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 we can easily show our
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
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out of
Change preposition
through
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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language hindrance.
For instance
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, in 2019, 5 students of RMIT
university
Capitalize word
University
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made
Verb problem
conducted
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a
Remove the article
apply
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research
about
Change preposition
on
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 international
communicating
Replace the word
communication
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 and cultural exchange through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 and surprisingly, more than 75% of participants admitted that they
can
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could
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 understand what somebody
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
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 to show through that
although
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instead
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 of some language hindrance they find.
On the other hand
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, I disagree with the viewpoint that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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music
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 always can be used to bring
people
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 of different
ages
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.
Rephrase
together.
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This
Linking Words
 is because
people
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in
Change preposition
of
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 different
ages
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 can have some
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
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 in musical tastes and it
found
Verb problem
is
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difficulty
Replace the word
difficult
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in linking
Change preposition
to link
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 individuals of various
ages
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.
For example
Linking Words
, nowadays K-pop is becoming more and more
widely
Change the word
widespread
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 in Viet Nam
as well as
Linking Words
 around the world and
be
Change the verb form
is
show examples
suported
Correct your spelling
supported
 fervently by younger
people
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however
Linking Words
,
for
Change preposition
apply
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some middle age
people
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can
be have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 some negative impressed about that
and
Correct word choice
apply
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a good illustration is my father, he always
say
Change the verb form
says
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 “please turn
of
Replace the word
off
show examples
 the television,
that is
Linking Words
 really bad” whenever I
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
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 K-pop. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it is commonly argued that
music
Use synonyms
 is a good way of bringing
people
Use synonyms
 of different cultures and
ages
Use synonyms
 together, I’m convinced that
music
Use synonyms
 can be used as an effective tool to link
people
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 of
diffirent culturares
Correct your spelling
different cultures
 but it’s really difficult to connect some
ages
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
music
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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coherence cohesion
The essay requires enhancement in logical structure for both coherence and cohesion. Ideas should be more effectively organized and paragraphs more clearly delineated with logical connections and transitions. Focus on developing a clear introductory statement, coherent paragraphs with topic sentences, and a concise conclusion. Practice using linking words to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
While the essay presents both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in task achievement. A more complete response would include a clearer position throughout the essay and a more thorough exploration of the topic. Refine your argument by balancing both sides with equal development and clarity. Ensure that your examples are directly relevant and offer in-depth analysis. Expand on your viewpoints with additional reasoning and evidence.
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