Some people think that music is a good way of bringing people of different culteres and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
It is widely believed that one of the good ways to connect individuals of some cultures and
ages
together is music
. Personally, I can neither completely agree or
disagree with Replace the word
nor
this
statement for a variety of reasons.
I partly agree that music
can be used as a nonverbal tool to connect people
from multi-countries
Correct your spelling
multiple countries
as well as
some different cultural
. One of the main reasons can be that Replace the word
cultures
by
Change preposition
through
the
Correct article usage
apply
music
we can give our feeling
independently from language. Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
This
mean
that by using Change the verb form
means
music
we can easily show our feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
out of
Change preposition
through
the
language hindrance. Correct article usage
apply
For instance
, in 2019, 5 students of RMIT university
Capitalize word
University
made
Verb problem
conducted
a
research Remove the article
apply
about
international Change preposition
on
communicating
and cultural exchange through Replace the word
communication
the
Correct article usage
apply
music
and surprisingly, more than 75% of participants admitted that they can
understand what somebody Wrong verb form
could
want
to show through that Wrong verb form
wanted
although
instead
of some language hindrance they find.
On the other hand
, I disagree with the viewpoint that the
Correct article usage
apply
music
always can be used to bring people
of different ages
.
Rephrase
together.
This
is because people
in
different Change preposition
of
ages
can have some difference
in musical tastes and it Fix the agreement mistake
differences
found
Verb problem
is
difficulty
Replace the word
difficult
in linking
individuals of various Change preposition
to link
ages
. For example
, nowadays K-pop is becoming more and more widely
in Viet Nam Change the word
widespread
as well as
around the world and be
Change the verb form
is
suported
fervently by younger Correct your spelling
supported
people
however
, for
some middle age Change preposition
apply
people
they
can Correct pronoun usage
apply
be have
some negative impressed about that Change the verb form
have
and
a good illustration is my father, he always Correct word choice
apply
say
“please turn Change the verb form
says
of
the television, Replace the word
off
that is
really bad” whenever I listen
K-pop.
In conclusion, Add the preposition
listen to
although
it is commonly argued that music
is a good way of bringing people
of different cultures and ages
together, I’m convinced that music
can be used as an effective tool to link people
of diffirent culturares
but it’s really difficult to connect some Correct your spelling
different cultures
ages
by
Change preposition
with
music
.Submitted by yeshomeclass on
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coherence cohesion
The essay requires enhancement in logical structure for both coherence and cohesion. Ideas should be more effectively organized and paragraphs more clearly delineated with logical connections and transitions. Focus on developing a clear introductory statement, coherent paragraphs with topic sentences, and a concise conclusion. Practice using linking words to better connect sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
While the essay presents both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in task achievement. A more complete response would include a clearer position throughout the essay and a more thorough exploration of the topic. Refine your argument by balancing both sides with equal development and clarity. Ensure that your examples are directly relevant and offer in-depth analysis. Expand on your viewpoints with additional reasoning and evidence.
