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Band 5

Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world #life
There are different views about the life of older generations in
this
 capital
worlds
Fix the agreement mistake
world
show examples
. Even though
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 can be conventional enough to make them up with the recent
development
Fix the agreement mistake
developments
show examples
, I completely agree several technologies have
been assist
Wrong verb form
assisted
show examples
 them
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
 their
productivity
. Some believe that getting older is not fun in the open-tech world because they cannot
keeping
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keep
be keeping
show examples
 up with the trends in technology. Generally, the more people
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 older, they are potentially
experiencing
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 limitation on their brain function, and
as a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 their ability to adapt will
also
 decline,
hence
 they might less capable
to operate
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of operating
show examples
 certain features.
For instance
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
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 is no doubt that nowadays elderly still need assistance from the younger to operate video-call
softwares
Correct your spelling
software
 like Zoom or Skype.
However
,
I
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
I think the solution
from
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to
show examples
 that
issues
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issue
show examples
 could involve the developers
to create
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creating
show examples
 a user-friendly technology that can easily be learned by the elderly.
On the other hand
, elderly lives are much better nowadays, because they have been exposed
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sophisticated tools that can support their
productivity
. The given technologies help them to save time and energy, so they can coincidentally conduct certain activities. Take an example
on
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of
show examples
 the existence of online delivery
service
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services
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 which now help
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 generations
to
Verb problem
apply
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buy products from their home. They just need to wait for the thing to be delivered instantly to their home
while
 doing
someting
Correct your spelling
something
 else like cooking or gardening. From
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 illustrations, I completely support the view that in
this
 modern world elderly seem fortunate
,
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apply
show examples
 because several technologies have been successfully effective for them in order to enhance
the
Change the word
their
show examples
productivity
,
while
 they may
be have
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have
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
limit body
Replace the word
limited bodily
show examples
 functioning because of their age.
To conclude
,
although
 in
this
 fast world elderly might have a chance to be left with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cutting-edge development, it is inevitable that they are lucky since the existence of technology
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to enhance their
productivity
 despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their body limitation.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Work on clarifying the structure of your arguments. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea followed by supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you have a clear introduction and conclusion that summarise the main points and your opinion. Avoid introducing new information in the conclusion.
task achievement
Expand and support your main points with more detailed examples. Each body paragraph should elaborate on one main idea with clear evidence or examples.
language
Be attentive to grammatical accuracy and range of vocabulary. Avoid repetition of words and phrases, and use complex sentence structures to convey your points more effectively.
task achievement
Address the task directly by discussing both views provided in the prompt and ensuring your own opinion is clearly presented and well-supported throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This aids in the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure that the examples you use are relevant and specific to the argument you are making. Vague or irrelevant examples weaken your argument.
language
Check for typos and errors in word choice; proofread your essay to improve readability and professional presentation.
language
Avoid colloquial expressions that may not be appropriate in an academic setting.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • elderly
  • modern world
  • decline
  • physical
  • mental health
  • diseases
  • disabilities
  • social isolation
  • loneliness
  • access
  • healthcare
  • medications
  • lifelong learning
  • personal growth
  • social support
  • community engagement
  • positive aspects
  • negative aspects
What to do next:
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