IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Celebrities
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 today are known for their
wealth
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 rather than their accomplishments, which sets a negative example. I completely agree with
this
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 notion because
youths
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 will be fascinated more towards money
instead
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 of the important things needed for an individual to achieve success in life.
Youths
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 spend a lot of their time on social media and television. Some of them will be attracted towards the
wealth
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 flaunted by a few
celebrities
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 and their lifestyle. They will be fascinated to achieve the same kind of life as soon as possible, which can be unreal at
such
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 an early age because it takes years to amass that much amount of
wealth
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.
For instance
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, Elon Musk became a billionaire in his late thirties,
however
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, most
youths
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 get inspired by his luxurious lifestyle and want to achieve a similar kind of life in their twenties. A lot of
youths
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 ignore the accomplishments achieved by famous people through their hard work and determination. Young people try to focus on fame and
wealth
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instead
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 of the perseverance shown by a few individuals in achieving goals that made them famous throughout the years.
Moreover
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,
youths
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 lack the character building
that is
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 required to achieve those levels of greatness. If they had not focussed on their
wealth
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, they would have built a character
that is
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 good enough to achieve their goals. In conclusion,
celebrities
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 become famous for their lavish lifestyle, I agree that
this
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 creates a wrong direction for
youths
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 as they overlook the goals achieved by these
celebrities
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 and their sacrifice, which helps in character building.

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Sentence Structure
Keep practicing adding a bit more variety in your sentence structures to enhance readability and make your essay even more engaging.
Supporting Arguments
Consider incorporating more specific examples and case studies to strongly support your arguments, as this can add depth to your discussion.
Linking Words
Try to use transitional phrases and conjunctions to link your ideas more smoothly, ensuring a seamless flow of thoughts throughout your essay.
Argument Balance
Balancing both sides of the argument before concluding can sometimes add more depth to your essays, though it's not always necessary depending on the prompt.
Thesis Statement
You presented a clear thesis statement and reiterated your stance in the conclusion, which strengthens the coherence of your essay.
Topic Focus
Your essay maintained a clear focus on the topic, effectively discussing the impact of celebrities' focus on wealth and glamour over achievements.
Use of Examples
The use of an example like Elon Musk is effective in illustrating your point, though integrating a wider range of examples could enhance your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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