IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, government should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #quality #government #money #projects
Many believe that the government should not allocate their nation's wealth to artistic projects, since painting and music do not directly contribute to the citizens' quality development. I personally agree with
this
 statement. In
this
 essay, I will discuss
further
 two reasons behind my opinion.
Firstly
, an investment
Change preposition
in
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on
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in
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 people's basic needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 more urgency compared to the development of arts. Museums and artistic goods are beautiful and great for a state's icons.
However
, they will bring none to little impact
to
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on
show examples
 the well-being of a country's inhabitants.
For example
, plenty of creative exhibitions were held in Paris,
while
 the rate of criminality there continued to increase every year. It is too pathetic to think of a beautiful city when the people living there did not gain an adequate sense of safety and security.
Secondly
, not everyone in a region is wealthy enough to enjoy the experiences of watching breathtaking drama theatres and strolling around world-class museums since they
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
 require a large amount of cash.
For instance
, the majority of artistic public sites in Eastern Europe are far from affordable.
As a result
, those public facilities are only accessible
for
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to
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 high-income families.
Furthermore
, they will later create a wider gap
of
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in
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 opportunities between privileged and unprivileged residents. In conclusion, the president and ministries should not spend too much money on musical performances and art exhibitions since they are most likely to bring positive
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
show examples
 for rich people only.
Instead
, they can direct the cash to improve the basic living needs of their citizens.
Submitted by jelitasofiaz on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to effectively link ideas with a range of discourse markers for smoother transitions and better logical structure.
coherence cohesion
In the conclusion, sum up your main points more distinctly to create a stronger closure.
task achievement
Avoid generalizations in your arguments. Use specific, detailed examples for each point you make to strengthen the arguments and response relevance.
task achievement
Expand your conclusion to reassert your main points, thus offering an unambiguous stance and a summary of the argument, for completeness of the task response.

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