IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The pie graphs show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graphs shows the activities in which the girls participate in.

The pie graphs show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graphs shows the activities in which the girls participate in.
#graphs #show #survey #children’s #activities #first #leisure #boys #second #girls
The pie charts illustrate how many
boys
 and
girls
 participate in the six cultural and leisure
activities
 with the 3 same
activities
 and the others are different.
Overall
, the majority of
boys
 choose to join computer games as their
activities
.
On the other hand
, dancing is an activity
that is
 chosen by most of the
girls
.
In addition
, many kinds of
activities
 in
boys
 show big differences,
while
 in
girls
 a lot of actions are similar.
According to
 the information, it is stated that one-third
boys
Change preposition
of boys
show examples
 choose computer games,
whereas
 fewer people want to go for reading.
Moreover
, listening to music and skateboarding
activities
 show
1
Correct article usage
a 1
show examples
% similarity.
Besides
this
, for basketball, it is the second one to be
choosen
Correct your spelling
chosen
 which is 26%. More than 15% of
boys
 pick soccer as an
activitiy
Correct your spelling
activity
 which means that it
placed
Add a missing verb
is placed
show examples
 after the basketball.
In contrast
, 10% of the
girls
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not want to
listening
Change the verb
listen
show examples
 to music
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes
this
 activity
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the least one. It shows
one
Correct article usage
a one
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 difference between music and gymnastics since it contains 11%. Similar to these
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
, netball and computer games have almost the same numbers. The proportion of reading
nearly
Add a missing verb
is nearly
show examples
 one-quarter,
while
 the percentage of dancing is greater than a quarter.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words boys, girls, activities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "differences" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • participate
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • pie graphs
  • survey
  • boys
  • girls
  • comparison
  • participation
  • overall
  • similarities
  • differences
What to do next:
Look at other essays: