IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Peoples health is getting worse, and some say this will go on. to what extent do you agree?

#peoples #health #say
Nowdays
Correct the word
Nowadays
show examples
 the condition of
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
 is getting dramatically worse than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past
; and
Change the punctuation
, and
;
show examples
 some
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
this
 will continue in the future. I completely agree with
this
 statement, and
this
 essay will discuss why. There are a number of factors which
contibute
Correct your spelling
contribute
 to the reason why
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
 is degrading. One of which is
junk
food
, an obvious cause
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the problem.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
 generation, especially teenagers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 addicted to
junk
food
 for a variety of reasons, but mostly because
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 more convenient.
Junk
food
 is way cheaper compared to healthy
food
.
for example
, you could buy a burger for only a dollar,
whereas
 purchasing a salad would cost you 10 times the amount. Cars are
also
 a key factor
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the condition of
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
 lowering. Cars have many advantages
than
Change preposition
over
show examples
 walking (which is exercise) for
exmaple
Correct your spelling
example
, cars get to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 destination much faster,
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 energy efficient, more enclosed, etc. The point is people would definitely opt for the car and the
junk
food
,
due to
 its advantages and convenience.
On the other hand
, I can see why people would disagree, as there are a variety of things that are being produced for the
benifet
Correct your spelling
benefit
 of
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
show examples
health
.
For example
, diet sodas, or
no sugar
Add a hyphen
no-sugar
show examples
 juice.
However
,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 not possible to see any targeted outcome. these
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of drinks
ussually
Correct your spelling
usually
 cost more than the original, even if
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 just a penny. Considering
this
, they would opt for the original since it tastes better and
its
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 cheaper. In
this
 day and age, you can find gyms anywhere; there are plenty of gyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and more that are opening. Which offer a modern and convenient atmosphere, so why
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 people go to these gyms?
This
due
Add a missing verb
is due
show examples
 to the cost. In
conclution
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
although
 there are many healthy options being produced to
benifet
Correct your spelling
benefit
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
show examples
health
, there are still disadvantages to these. so I believe, henceforward
peoples
Change noun form
people's
show examples
health
 will continue worsening and be lower than it is now.
Submitted by mubinamukhtorjonova on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea with relevant supporting examples. While some were provided, the examples could be developed further with more detail and explanation to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph coherence by ensuring each sentence logically follows from the previous one and leads naturally to the next. Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately.
language
Check your essay for any grammatical errors or typos. Correct spelling and proper grammar are essential for conveying your points clearly and for the reader to understand your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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