IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that university students should work part time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #university #students #work #part #time
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Some people argue university
students
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 must focus on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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full
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full-time
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time
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,
while
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 others believe they have to start accumulating
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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work
experiences
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experience
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such
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 as working as a
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part timer
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part-timer
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. I believe participating in extracurricular
activities
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, mainly
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part
Add a hyphen
part-time
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time
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 working will equip
students
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 with relevant
skills
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 they need in the future. On the one hand, we all know that the main responsibility for
students
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 at
school
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 is learning as best as they can.
This
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 includes
of
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apply
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how to maintain their focus in the class, working on every assignment, and passing the exams.
However
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, schooling is
also
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 a place where
students
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 figure out about themselves.
Hence
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, doing more
activities
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 outside of class settings,
therefore
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, should be
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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encouraged by teachers with a note that student should know their own limits.
For example
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, if
students
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finds
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find
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 working in a
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part
Add a hyphen
part-time
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time
Use synonyms
 job would be the best for their future, teachers should allow them to do that.
On the other hand
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, working in a
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part
Add a hyphen
part-time
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time
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 job after
school
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 or on the weekends will introduce
students
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 earlier to some
relevants
Correct your spelling
relevant
skills
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what
Correct word choice
that
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 they think are necessary.
Therefore
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, in
school
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,
students
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 can be more focused
to develop
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on developing
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 what
skills
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 they
needed
Wrong verb form
need
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such
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 as
time
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 management, public speaking
and
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apply
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etc.
Furthermore
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, doing
part
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-
time
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working
Replace the word
work
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 will
also
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 teach
students
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 several valuable lessons
such
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 as how to work independently
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and how to team up with their colleagues
occassionally
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occasionally
. In conclusion,
students
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 should be encouraged to do more
activities
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 outside of academic settings
such
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 as working
part
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timely
Replace the word
time
show examples
 as their extracurricular
activities
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. As long as
students
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 can maintain their focus on their responsibilities at
school
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, work experiences from
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part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
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 jobs will equip and prepare them with relevant
skills
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 in the workplace later.
Submitted by pedrothedawn on

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear position throughout, the development of ideas could be enhanced. Aim to develop each main point with more specific examples and a clear connection to the thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is generally clear, but transitions between ideas could be smoother, and paragraphing can be improved for better flow and clarity. Use a range of cohesive devices effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are succinct and reflect your position clearly without introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
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