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Band 4.5

Nowadays more and more young people hold important positions in the government. Some people think that it is a good thing, while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #positions #government
The debate over whether crucial positions in the
government
shall
Verb problem
should
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be hold
Change the verb form
be held
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 by young
people
 or senior
citizens
 is intriguing.
While
 I lean towards the latter view, I acknowledge that the former idea may have merit in certain situations. Supporters argue that giving young adults opportunities to hold important positions in the
government
 can promote convenience for
citizens
 by using technical
method
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methods
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 in work.
This
 is
particular
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particularly
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 important in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern times where
the
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apply
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technical advancement contributes to numerous artificial intelligence which can save time and budget. Compared to senior
citizens
, youngsters who are exposed to advanced technical methods during their formative years,
such
 as computers and
Internet
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the Internet
show examples
,
tends
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tend
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 to adapt
them
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apply
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in
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to
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 work easily.
For example
, young employees in the
government
 who are specialized in using mobile phones can create apps to provide governmental services online, so that
citizens
 living far away can get information and services on the internet without leaving home.
On the other hand
, opponents hold the view that young
people
 who are responsible for crucial work in the
government
 are more likely to make mistakes
on
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in
show examples
 decisions for lack of practical
experiences
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experience
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. Young adults who just graduated from universities may not
familiar
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be familiar
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 with the actual situation and real
problem
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problems
show examples
 of the local
people
,
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apply
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 because they hardly had
chance
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a chance
the chance
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 to communicate face to face with them. They might fail to think comprehensively when making decisions and ignore some details which can lead to inconvenience
of
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for
show examples
citizens
.
For example
, young employees who are responsible for drawing regulations about medicine might control medicine strictly and ignore the economic situation of different
people
, which might bring difficulties to patients who are not rich in their budgets. In my view, I personally believe that young
people
 with high positions in the
government
 can help enhance the working efficiency of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
,
although
 they may make mistakes in some cases.
Submitted by 1913435 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion: While the essay presents ideas in a logical order overall, there is a noticeable lack of connective devices and transition phrases, which hinders the smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs. Remember to use such cohesive devices to ensure that the essay reads more fluently. Also, work on a more effective introduction and conclusion that not only bookend your essay but also reflect the main points succinctly.
Task Achievement
For Task Achievement: While the essay generally addresses the task by discussing both views and giving an opinion, it could benefit from more directly addressing the prompt. Be clear with your opinion from the introduction through to the conclusion, ensuring it is explicitly stated and well-supported. Furthermore, aiming for a balance between the discussion of both perspectives and including more specific examples to substantiate the points would enhance the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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