IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermakets give money to schools to promote their products. do you think this is a positive or negative development ?

#countries #food #restaurants #supermakets #money #schools #products #development
Many
nations
Change noun form
nation's
nations'
show examples
 fast
food
 restaurants and
supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
show examples
 give advertising to
nearly
Change the adverb
near
show examples
 schools to promote their products.
Overall
,
this
 essay will express the
con
Fix the agreement mistake
cons
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the impacts of fast
food
 restaurants and supermarkets
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
 to
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
such
 as
expansion
Replace the word
expanding
show examples
 mental
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and reducing behaviour of saving. On one the hand, there is
effect
Add an article
the effect
an effect
show examples
 of mental issues for new
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 and
supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
show examples
 open
nearly
Change the adverb
near
show examples
school
.
Moreover
, the
targets
Fix the agreement mistake
target
show examples
consumen
Correct your spelling
consumers
 of
place
Correct article usage
the place
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are who
staying
Wrong verb form
stay
show examples
surroundings
Correct article usage
the surroundings
show examples
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 place,
in
contrast
Add the comma(s)
contrast,
show examples
 the
primarlly
Correct your spelling
primary
 goals are students. There are on massa growth, if
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 consume
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
food
, it will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those
Change the word
their
show examples
 healthy life. A recent
survei
Correct your spelling
survey
display
Correct subject-verb agreement
displays
show examples
 that 70%
students
Change preposition
of students
show examples
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
money
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
buying
jung
Correct your spelling
junk
food
 at restaurants so
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 need more extra
money
 for their parents.
Thus
, the
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
show examples
 of
jung
Correct your spelling
junk
food
 around the
school
 is increasing mental-healthy
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
such
 as
behaviour
Correct article usage
the behaviour
show examples
 to consume fast
food
.
On the other hand
, the
habitits
Correct your spelling
habits
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 saving
money
 are reducing, due
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 youngest
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 a lot of
money
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 buying fast
food
.
In contrast
, if the
newly
Change the word
new
show examples
restaurant
open
Wrong verb form
opens
show examples
 around the
school
, there will
give
Verb problem
be
show examples
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
and
installing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
voucher
Fix the agreement mistake
vouchers
show examples
 for new
costumer
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
.
Moreover
, the
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraged
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the advertising
due to
 part of
Correct article usage
the stategy
show examples
stategy
Correct your spelling
strategy
promote
Replace the word
promotion
show examples
 of the
restaurant
.
For example
, the student of junior high
school
 in Merauke city spent
money
 around 100.000 Rupiah
for buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in cafe
nearly
Change the word
near
show examples
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the main street. All in all, the
food
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
 around
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 are to encourage
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
for rising
Verb problem
to
show examples
 consume fast
food
.
Conclusion
Change preposition
In conclusion
show examples
, there are negative effects
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
 and
supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
show examples
 around the schools.
Moreover
, the parents should
building
Change the verb form
build
be building
show examples
 and
encourge
Correct your spelling
encourage
, their children
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 learn to
saving
Change the verb
save
show examples
money
then
buying
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 fast
food
.
Submitted by musa.nuwa on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks cohesion and suffers from grammatical inaccuracies, making it difficult to follow the line of argument throughout the essay. It's important to construct sentences properly and use connectors to link ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
You should ensure that your introduction presents the topic clearly and your conclusion effectively summarises the main points made. Both should also reflect on the implications of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Supporting points with relevant and clear examples is crucial. Make sure each main idea is developed with specific reasons, examples, or explanations.
task achievement
The essay does not fully address the task as the prompt asks for your opinion on whether it is a positive or negative development that fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools. You should clearly present your viewpoint and stay focused on the topic throughout your response.
task achievement
Ideas need to be expressed clearly and developed comprehensively. Focus on explaining one main idea per paragraph and expand on it with relevant details, rather than including multiple under-developed ideas.
task achievement
Incorporate examples that are directly relevant to the prompt. It's important to use these examples to illustrate your arguments and directly respond to the task given.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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