IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that the overconsumption of refined sugar is a major problem in the world and should be regulated the same as alcohol and tobacco. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The overconsumption of refined
sugar
Use synonyms
 has been immensely popular among our society, and many
f&b
Correct your spelling
F&B
show examples
 producers use it too much. The majority of
people
Use synonyms
 claim that there must be a clear regulation about it, similar to alcohol and tobacco consumption.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue why rules about consuming sweetener products should
establish
Wrong verb form
be established
show examples
 directly.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays are justifiably concerned about substances in their foods and drinks.
Moreover
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, a lot of experts reveal the dangers of consuming artificial sweeteners daily,
such
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 as obesity,
sugar
Use synonyms
 cravings, and huge weight gain. Not only will it have negative side effects, but it will
also
Linking Words
 jeopardize human health both physically and emotionally.
For example
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, too much
sugar
Use synonyms
 has a direct
affect
Replace the word
effect
show examples
 on female hormones, which can make them uncomfortable, and cause a lot of
acnes
Correct your spelling
acne
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.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 diet can lead to severe health conditions.
Besides
Linking Words
,
sugar
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 has addictive substances
as well as
Linking Words
 cigarettes and alcohol;
that is
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 what they
called
Wrong verb form
call
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 craving. Some
people
Use synonyms
 could not stop eating something sweets as it gave them satisfaction.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the government
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 released a clear regulation about the sale of addictive products in order to prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from worsening their health.
For instance
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, they publish articles and ads about the severe side effects of these lifestyles and
able
Add a missing verb
are able
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 to reduce the number of smokers.
Furthermore
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, similar to
this
Linking Words
 action, the government should pay more attention to
this
Linking Words
 serious case. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is a threat to society as the downsides outweigh the benefits.
Therefore
Linking Words
, if the governments do not take the same action as other addictive things, there
are
Change the verb form
is
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 an increase in the number of unhealthy
people
Use synonyms
 in society.

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coherence cohesion
In your introduction, try to paraphrase the prompt more effectively and clearly outline your position on the issue to improve the introduction and set a strong foundation for your essay. A clear thesis statement is crucial for the reader to understand your stance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant examples or reasons. The support can be more specific and expansive to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
For the essay to flow better, transitions between sentences and ideas can be smoother. The use of a greater range of linking words and phrases will help with the coherence of the essay.
task achievement
Your response should fully address all parts of the task. The essay touches on the reasons for regulation but could be expanded to discuss more about the extent to which you agree or disagree with the regulation of sugar.
task achievement
Including clearer, more comprehensive ideas with full development in each paragraph will enhance the essay. Make your argument more persuasive by elaborating on key points.
task achievement
Utilizing specific real-world examples or data could significantly strengthen the argument and the response to the task. It also demonstrates an ability to relate abstract ideas to concrete examples.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overconsumption
  • refined sugar
  • regulate
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • sugar addiction
  • consumer behavior
  • government intervention
  • economic impact
  • public awareness
  • freedom of choice
  • food labeling
  • healthier lifestyle
  • substance control
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