IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some countries, many people suffer from health problems due to eating too much fast food. It is, therefore, necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #people #health #food #governments #tax
In some nations, the majority of
people
 suffer from illness because of eating too much fast
food
.
Therefore
, some
people
 believe that it is crucial for
governments
 to get a higher tax on
this
 type of
food
. Personally, I agree with
this
 statement.
To begin
 with, it is evident that
junk
food
such
 as
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
 and fried chicken are cheap meals that attract
people
. It leads to the disadvantages for
people
's bodies. If
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 had made the price higher, more
people
 would have been less
interesed
Correct your spelling
interested
to purchase
Change preposition
in purchasing
show examples
 it.
Furthermore
,
this
 could make the consumption declining, and more
people
 would not buy it. They could avoid the negative effects of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
junk
food
.
For instance
, in Singapore, KFC and A&W have
expensive
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
prices
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
food
 because the
governments
 control the
prices
 and set the rules. Because of
this
, many young individuals and elderly
people
 can avoid serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
.
On the other hand
, it is highly difficult to ensure that
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 would not buy it since few
people
 do not realise that
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle is
primary
Add an article
the primary
a primary
show examples
 thing to have
longer
Add an article
a longer
show examples
 life.
Moreover
, increasing the tax on
junk
food
 means enforcing
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 to obey the rules which there is a chance,
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
people
 would face
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a negative impact.
For example
, a law in one country declared that the
prices
 for fast
food
 would get higher in the next month. The public got mad because they thought that the
governments
 were being selfish.
As a result
, the
governments
 decided to keep the same
prices
 for the
junk
food
. In conclusion, it is completely important for
governments
 to pay attention to the public's health, they need to make sure that the
people
 understand the purpose of imposing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
prices
 for
junk
food
.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present but not fully developed. A more comprehensive introduction that clearly presents the issue and your stance, as well as a stronger conclusion that summarizes your points and reinstates your position, would enhance the essay.
coherence cohesion
While there is a logical structure, the progression of ideas can be somewhat abrupt at times. Transitions between points can be smoother, and the flow of the essay can be enhanced by better linking words and phrases tying paragraphs together more coherently.
coherence cohesion
Main ideas are supported, but the support could be more specific and detailed. Elaborating more on your examples, providing statistical data or citing credible sources could make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Although you have addressed the task, your response could be more complete. It is imperative that you present a balanced argument that covers both sides of the issue before stating your position. This allows for a more nuanced discussion and demonstrates an understanding of the topic at hand.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear, but they could be expressed more comprehensively. Aim to fully develop your points, ensuring that each paragraph elaborates on a single main idea. This helps the reader follow your argument without confusion.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant but lack specificity. Such examples should be grounded in factual information to illustrate your point more forcefully. Consider incorporating real-world instances, reports, or studies that back your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: