IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The amount of time spent on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other suggestions can you suggest?

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One of the most controversial issues today relates to the problem of overweight children.
While
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 some people support the idea that
sports
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 lessons time should be increased, I believe that a balanced
diet
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 is the first thing that should be fixed. In
this
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 essay, I am going to discuss why extra physical education classes are not the most optimal solution and provide a better alternative.
While
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 physical activity helps to gain muscles and reduce
weight
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, it cannot solve the problem of obesity alone. As, by doing
sports
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, people usually do not burn as many calories as they consume daily,
as a result
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, it can demotivate youngsters as they do not achieve the desired result, which can lead them to abandon any physical activity in the future.
For instance
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, if any student doesn't make any changes in his life,
such
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 as switching to a more balanced
diet
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, except for going to the gym, he won't achieve the goal of losing
weight
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. I believe that it is necessary that the
sports
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 activity should be combined with proper
diet
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. That means that following a well-balanced
diet
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, despite the
sports
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, the speed of how the amount of fat in the body will be burnt will boost. Following the right proportions of all the nutrients in the
students’
Correct your spelling
student’s
show examples
 daily life,
such
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 as 50% of greens, 25% of meat and 25% of carbs, would help them to reduce their
weight
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 rapidly.
For example
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, there was an experiment in one of the local governmental schools in London, where the administration changed their usual menu to a well-balanced one month, and ,
as a result
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, its students became fitter and healthier. In conclusion, it is undoubtedly that
sports
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 activities at school help with the obesity problem among students, but a well-balanced
diet
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 is
also
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 a key factor that helps to reduce
weight
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.

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Coherence Cohesion
Clearer structuring of the essay into introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion would improve the overall logical flow. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea with supporting sentences that further develop that idea.
Coherence Cohesion
The essay could benefit from a variety of cohesive devices to better link ideas between and within paragraphs. Using words or phrases to show contrast, addition, cause and result, etc., would enhance the reader's understanding of your argument.
Task Achievement
Task Response could be improved by ensuring that all parts of the question are addressed fully. The question in part asks for 'other suggestions' and those must be explicitly provided and developed to satisfy the task requirement.
Task Achievement
A more comprehensive approach is required; provide thorough support for your main points. Include not only examples but also explain their significance and how they relate to the argument to demonstrate clear and comprehensive ideas.
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