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Band 3.5

some parents, specially mothers stay at home instead working, and some people think that they should receive monetary compensation from the government. Do you agree or disagree.

#parents #mothers #home #people #compensation #government
The
parents
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often stay at home to take
care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 offspring rather than working especially
mothers
. It is argued that they should be provided compensation from the authority. I completely agree with
this
veiw
Correct your spelling
view
 which I will explain in
this
 essay. It is
importent
Correct your spelling
important
 that
parents
 should stay with their
children
 during their developmental stage to provide nutritious food and better home education.
In other words
,
necessory
Correct your spelling
necessary
 support from home is vital for
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
 development of
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
. In fact,
mothers
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often
sacrifies
Correct your spelling
sacrifice
 their professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to take
care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
children
.
As a result
,
mothers
 would not have financial
independency
Correct your spelling
independence
show examples
 in their
life
. To compensate
this
Change preposition
for this
show examples
,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 should provide financial
aide
Correct your spelling
aid
show examples
 to support
non working
Add a hyphen
non-working
show examples
parents
.
For example
,
Canadian
Add an article
the Canadian
show examples
 government provides monthly
renumeration
Correct your spelling
remuneration
show examples
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobless
mothers
 who
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 offspring. The
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 between
parents
 and kids will develop
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. If
parents
 are busy with their professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
,
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 between
children
 are
parents
 will not develop which may
detrimental
Add a missing verb
be detrimental
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 recent study
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Oxford University indicated that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pupil
Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
show examples
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
non working
Add a hyphen
non-working
show examples
mothers
 are more intimate with
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to working
mothers
.
Moreover
, the offspring of
non working
Add a hyphen
non-working
show examples
parents
 will be more responsible for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. These
children
 will taught from
mothers
 rather than
pre schools
Add a hyphen
pre-schools
show examples
 which is more effective.
To conclude
,
Parents
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often sacrifies their professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to take
care
Change preposition
of thier
show examples
thier
Correct your spelling
their
children
,
therfore
Correct your spelling
therefore
, the government have
responsibility
Add an article
a responsibility
the responsibility
show examples
 to provide
necessary
Add an article
the necessary
show examples
 support for those citizens.
Submitted by ck.manshad on

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coherence cohesion
Work on crafting a more logical and structured response. Your essay should have clearly distinguished paragraphs for introduction, main body, and conclusion. Consider using linking words and transition phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are accurately reflecting your main points. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion and strive for a concise summary of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. Provide a clear development of ideas with a specific focus on the question without deviating into generalized statements.
task achievement
Make sure you address all parts of the task in a detailed manner while keeping your ideas clear and comprehensive. Include a balanced argument by discussing both the benefits and potential drawbacks where applicable, even if you take a decisive stance on the subject.
task achievement
Refine your essay by providing more concrete, relevant examples to support your ideas. Whenever possible, use real-life scenarios, statistics, or studies to substantiate your arguments and provide a persuasive analysis.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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