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Band 4.5

Nowadays, a growing numbers of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#numbers #people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
There is no denying the fact that curing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
diseases is something crucial for all people.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that these days numerous
patients
 prefer to search for
alternative
medicines
 and
treatments
 rather than going to visit their usual physician, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that if ill humans seek
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
alternative
medicines
 without the consultation of their doctors, a lot of drawbacks will happen.
To begin
 with, nowadays, some
patients
 can
use
alternative
treatments
.
In other words
, when a doctor
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 tried to prescribe various kinds of
treatments
 for his patient, but unfortunately, the condition of his patient does not improve,
so
Correct word choice
apply
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the physician may give him
an advice
Remove the article
advice
a piece of advice
a bit of advice
show examples
 to
use
alternative
medicines
.
In addition
, sometimes, these
alternative
 ways of curing result in amazing results
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 some cases.
For example
, doctors recommend using Chinese ways of
treatments
Fix the agreement mistake
treatment
show examples
 for some hopeless cases of cancer and they exert positive effects. Another point to consider,
excellent
Correct article usage
the excellent
show examples
 results of
alternative
treatments
 for some cases make it renowned, particularly among
patients
 in our era. It is
also
 possible to say that
this
 good
repute
Replace the word
reputation
show examples
 encourages some other
patients
 to go directly for
alternative
medicines
 without a
doctor
Change noun form
doctor's
show examples
 order.
Consequently
, some issues arise
as a result
 of
this
 behaviour.
Moreover
, the conditions of these
patients
 become
more
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apply
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worse, as they do not ask any healthcare specialist to
use
this
 kind of medicine.
For instance
, in Egypt, some
patients
 suffered from cough, so they used
Koko
Correct article usage
the Koko
show examples
 herbal plant by themselves for treatment,
two
Correct word choice
and two
show examples
 of them died. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that
alternative
medicines
 will cause serious negative consequences if
patients
use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 directly without the right diagnosis from their doctors.
Submitted by sm710129 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion which are vital components of the structure. An introduction should outline your main points and position, while the conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your opinion. Ensure your essay includes these to provide clarity to your readers.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical sequence in the body paragraphs, transitions between ideas could be improved to enhance the overall flow of the essay. Make use of cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'however', and 'therefore' to better connect your ideas.
task achievement
You have partially addressed the prompt by discussing the drawbacks of using alternative medicines without professional guidance. To fully satisfy the task, consider discussing both sides of the argument or more clearly stating if you believe it's a positive or negative development, with relevant examples and explanations supporting your view.
task achievement
While your ideas are generally clear, your position on the matter is not explicitly stated in the introduction, and your conclusion is missing. Clarify your viewpoint at the beginning and end of your essay to strengthen task achievement.
task achievement
You have provided specific examples to support your argument, but lack a variety of examples. To achieve a higher score, use a range of examples, including facts, research, or hypothetical situations to illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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