IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some countries, the number of shootings increas because many people have guns at home. to what extent do you agree or disagree? give specific reasons and examples to support you answer.

#countries #shootings #increas #people #guns #home #support
Across the globe, many individuals own
guns
 for self-defence or recreational purposes.
Gun
-related mortalities in the
household
,
in particular
, throw the ethics of
such
 forms of private
gun
 ownership to sharp relief. In
this
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 shall appeal to crime statistics to argue that a person is at a far
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
greater risk of being shot if there is a
gun
 in the family circle.
To begin
 with, it is intuitively obvious that having a
gun
 in a
household
 will endanger
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children and teenagers.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 minors do not have the requisite knowledge or maturity to handle
guns
 safely.
For example
, the United
states
Capitalize word
States
show examples
 of America Department of Justice recently revealed statistics showing that 150 American children and teenagers are deceased each year because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
accidents relating to
household
guns
.
Therefore
, it is
uncontrovertible
Correct your spelling
incontrovertible
show examples
 that custody of a
gun
 leads to additional shootings.
Secondly
,
household
guns
 are especially hazardous when couples have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voilent agruments
Correct your spelling
violent arguments
.
This
 is because, male sexual rage, to be specific,
ofen
Correct your spelling
often
 results in deadly
agression
Correct your spelling
aggression
.
For instance
, The
Internation
Correct your spelling
International
show examples
 Crime Bureau produced statistical evidence that, if a man discovers his wife having
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 affair, he is twice as likely to kill her in a fit of jealous rage if he has easy access to a
gun
.
As a result
, once again,
household
guns
 correlate positively
regarding
Change preposition
with
show examples
 shootings. In conclusion, there is undeniable evidence that having a
gyn
Correct your spelling
gun
 in the family leads to
further
 shootings. Given the strength of
this
 authentication, in the future, more legislation needs to be put in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
place to limit private
gun
 ownership.
Submitted by simransokhal50 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay introduced the topic and presented a conclusion, but you could improve the clarity of your argument by ensuring a smoother transition between ideas. Attempt to use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You've managed to maintain relevance to the given topic throughout the essay, providing examples in support of your points. However, try providing a more nuanced argument by acknowledging potential counterarguments and tackling them. This would not only show a broader understanding of the issue but also enhance the persuasiveness of your response.

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