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Band 5

An increasing number of people are changing careers during their working life. What do you think are the reasons of this? Is it a positive or a negative development for society?

#people #careers #life #development #society
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Workers
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 nowadays prefer to shift their
Use synonyms
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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 during their working lives, not only that, some of them even change their
job
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 more than
one
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 time.
This
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 case results from some reasons that will be elaborated in
this
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 essay, let alone the personal perspective of
this
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 situation leads to positive development for society. It is undeniable that
people
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 will effort harder to achieve prosperous lives, and changing their personal
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career
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careers
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 is
one
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 of the ways. To gain prosperity,
workers
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 who have many abilities
contemplated
Wrong verb form
contemplate
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themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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to discover
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discovering
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comfort
Replace the word
comfortable
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 jobs for them, it is natural since they will consider the benefits first. If the
workers
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 get lower salaries, they will reconsider
to find
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finding
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 another
job
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 in which the company can guarantee their salary higher.
In addition
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,
an
Correct article usage
the
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 environment of the
job
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 plays an essential role as well.
People
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 who
work
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 in a very tight and serious atmosphere will result in stress and feel under
pressured
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pressure
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.
One
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 of the
evidences
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evidence
pieces of evidence
shreds of evidence
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 taken nowadays is in Indonesia, especially in Morowali where many young
workers
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 decide to
work
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 there, yet it
just
Add a missing verb
is just
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 for
one
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 to two years before deciding to move because the companies provide a very strict schedule and force them to
work
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 harder every day.
As a result
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, they will end the contracts right after the end of their period and search for other jobs. In terms of the benefits of shifting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, it is obvious that some advantages will
be
Verb problem
apply
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intuitively
risen
Verb problem
arise
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 from
this
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 condition; prosperity and good mental health will be two of them.
First,
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it is correlated with the aforementioned reasons in which
people
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 who decide to change their
career
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 will get higher
salary
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salaries
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 in their next jobs and bring impact to the society,
not to mention
Linking Words
 they will try harder to widen their skills.
Moreover
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, employees who left their former
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 because of getting pressured
,
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apply
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 can heal their mental in an environment
that
Correct word choice
where
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 they are comfortable
to
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working
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work
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.
For instance
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, the ones
left
Correct pronoun usage
who left
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 their
job
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 in Morowali will
work
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 in another company or create their own fields since they have had skills.
To conclude
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, in my personal perspective, it is acceptable for
people
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 to change their
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career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 to find
better
Add an article
a better
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 life. As long as they have skills and chances, it will be better for them and for
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 development.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay has a clear and logical structure, which includes distinct paragraphs and logical connections between them.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and topic sentences effectively to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Present a clear position throughout the response; ensure that your position is relevant to the question prompt.
task achievement
Develop ideas fully with extended and supported arguments, providing more in-depth analysis and elaboration.
task achievement
Incorporate a wider range of example to support your points, ensuring they are specific and relevant to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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