IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think mobile devices should be banned in public places. Do you agree or disagree?

Some
people
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 believe that mobile
devices
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 should be prohibited in public areas. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement for the following reasons.
Firstly
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, mobile
devices
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 can be a useful tool for communication and working, so banning the
use
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 of mobile
devices
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 in
places
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 open is unreasonable.
For instance
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, some
people
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 who work remotely in public
places
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 will not complete their job, if mobile
devices
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 are banned.
Moreover
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, mobile
devices
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also
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 help
people
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 communicate with each other more easily even when they are going out,
for example
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, in case of emergencies,
such
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 as road accidents,
residents
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 may have difficulties
in
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apply
show examples
calling
people
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 for help without phones.
Additionally
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,
people
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 usually choose to hang out to meet their friends or their parents, but it is hard to know exactly where they are if mobile phones are prohibited.
Furthermore
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, through those
devices
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,
people
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 can gain more knowledge even when they are not at home. Especially when
people
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 are abroad, they need to
use
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 mobile
devices
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 to know about those
places
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.
Secondly
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, when mobile
devices
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 are forbidden,
this
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 may do harm to business. Some businesses
use
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 social media to introduce their product to consumers, but
residents
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 will not know about that product if mobile phones are banned.
This
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 will affect businesses’ income. For instance,some new companies
use
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 the Internet to promote their brands, but
this
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 will be difficult for that company to let the
residents
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 know about them as mobile
devices
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 are prohibited and the company may be bankrupt.
Moreover
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,
due to
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 today's digital age,numerous
people
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 are working online, and
this
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 helps workers do their jobs more effectively.
Nevertheless
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 ,banning
people
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 from using mobile
devices
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 in public areas will decrease their work productivity, thereby it will directly affect businesses’ development. In conclusion, prohibiting mobile
devices
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 in open
places
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 brings plenty of drawbacks for
people
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 and businesses ,
such
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 as making businesses bankrupt
due to
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 the fact that they can not promote their brand.
Furthermore
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, it is difficult for
residents
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 to communicate with each other when they are going out without using those
devices
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea, with main points that are fully developed and expanded. Avoid having underdeveloped paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a satisfactory structure with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, greater attention must be paid to the logical flow between ideas in the main body of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to provide more relevant, detailed, and specific examples to support each main idea within your arguments. This will enhance the strength of your points and increase the persuasive power of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task reasonably well, but the response could be more comprehensive by expanding on the ideas presented and showing more depth in the analysis. Aim for a fully addressed prompt with each aspect covered in detail.
task achievement
While the essay presents ideas clearly, the ideas could benefit from more nuanced discussion and complexity. Aim to develop the ideas more comprehensively, ensuring that they contribute to a compelling argument.
task achievement
Make sure to incorporate specific examples that directly relate to the points you are making. Your examples currently lack specificity and depth, which can leave the argument feeling somewhat unsupported.
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