IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #population #governments #society
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There are different views about whether
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 may cause some problems for authorities or if they are practical for society. I admit that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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retired
people
Use synonyms
 may have more benefits,
such
Linking Words
 as transferring information to young
people
Use synonyms
 and gathering family together, than their drawbacks, like pensions and caring in communities.
To begin
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 with,
pension
Fix the agreement mistake
pensions
show examples
 might be the most important problem for governments.
While
Linking Words
 the laws have to allocate a budget for the retired
people
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 money might be used for infrastructures
such
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 as building modern
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 or green spaces to improve the quality of education and air quality.
Also
Linking Words
, they will require more attention from family and the government. When they become older, they are less likely to be able
take
Add the particle
to take
show examples
 care
themselves
Change preposition
of themselves
show examples
 in many ways.
For example
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, when the number of
aging
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ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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,
government
Add an article
the government
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 has to build new places to
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
 care of them,
although
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 some of them still live with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some drawbacks,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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retired
people
Use synonyms
 play a significant role in improving
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
communities in different ways.
Firstly
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, they can help students who
graduate
Wrong verb form
graduated
show examples
 recently to find appropriate jobs
which are
Verb problem
that
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 fit
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
.
For instance
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,
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 with useful information might be invited by authorities to several seminars
persuade
Fix the infinitive
to persuade
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 young
people
Use synonyms
 to gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
experience and knowledge to learn how
work
Add the particle
to work
show examples
 more
efficiency
Replace the word
efficiently
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can make a strong bond
between
Change preposition
with
show examples
 family because of giving good advice and helping parents to bring up better children.
In particular
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,
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 may spend more time with their grandchildren, so they will
taking
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
 care of them and
telling
Wrong verb form
tell
show examples
 useful stories that may have good effects on their perspective in different aspects of life. In conclusion, governments might struggle with some aspects
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 having a lot of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in society;
however
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, they should have more benefits not only for governments but
also
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 for families.
Submitted by sarmastsobhan1994 on

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task achievement
For Task Achievement: Make sure to fully develop your arguments with clear explanations and more detailed examples. Each paragraph should have a singular focus with sufficient evidence to enable the reader to understand your point of view.
coherence cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion: Organize your ideas more effectively with a clear progression of ideas. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link your ideas logically, ensuring that paragraphs and sentences smoothly transition from one to the next. Also, clarify pronoun references to avoid ambiguity in your writing.
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