IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that family has a greater influence on a child's life and development than other factors such as friends,Tv,music and so on. To what extend do you agree or disagree this statement?

#people #influence #child #life #development #factors #friends #tv #music
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, one of the most recent trends of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
today's world is the upsurge in
children
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
 development. Most people believe that family plays a significant role in
children
Use synonyms
's
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 others do not. In my perspective family and other factors are very essential to developing a
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both sides in detail.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, family is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major part of
children
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, family is the first stage in
children
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they learn everything from their mother and father. Everyone knows our first school is our home.
For instance
Linking Words
, after birth, we don't know anything
such
Linking Words
 as how to eat, speak, or behave. Since basic things, we learn everything from family. The family background influences a
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
 better. On the one hand,
besides
Linking Words
 family and friends, television and music develop a
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
 as a good. Television is the most valuable source in today's world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and broadcasts a wide range of programs. As an example educational program gives good academic knowledge to
children
Use synonyms
.
As well as
Linking Words
 music helps to concentrate on
children
Use synonyms
's minds.
Children
Use synonyms
 have to hang out with friends in school or any other academic institution. Through friends,
children
Use synonyms
 can learn how to gather with anyone and so on.
Therefore
Linking Words
, other factors are really helpful to
children
Use synonyms
 in their lives. In conclusion, the family influence a
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
 in a good way
while
Linking Words
 other factors are good.
Although
Linking Words
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 develop their
children
Use synonyms
's lives, only family can not present every aspect
child
Use synonyms
's
life
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
 every factor is very useful for their
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by dshansika97 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure throughout your essay. Introduce each paragraph with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Avoid jumbled thoughts.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points more fully with specific examples and explanations. Be sure they are relevant and that they strengthen your argument.
task achievement
While your response addresses the task, it lacks a clear position throughout the essay. Make your opinion on the statement clear in both the introduction and conclusion, and consistently maintain it.
task achievement
Ideas need to be expanded with more depth and clear explanation. Avoid vague statements.
task achievement
Integrate specific and relevant examples to support your point of view. Doing so will add weight to your arguments and ensure a higher score in task response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: