IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Studies suggest that many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person. Why do you think this is the case? What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Some research has proven that the vast majority of young people nowadays will consciously choose to conduct an online meeting
instead
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 of having to attend an offline networking agenda. The cause of
this
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 phenomenon stems from the judgmental environment, which is often seen in real life.
Thus
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, encouraging a safe
place
Use synonyms
 for discussion is crucial. Teenagers tend to socialise through the online method because of the harsh judgement they often face in offline
event
Fix the agreement mistake
events
show examples
 from the surrounding environment. Society nowadays is vile to young people, and it has become common that their voices are frequently disregarded
due to
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 the assumption that they are still immature.
Therefore
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, youngsters' sense of security will be corrupted, resulting in a feeling of being scared to embark on a new social relationship. To cite an example, my sister who is currently a high school student, will choose to make a phone call
instead
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 of attend an offline event during Islamic celebration day. She would argue that she often needs to refrain
herself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from speaking up regarding some issues with which she is most familiar
due to
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 her young age, which
according to
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 some people, still depicts a lack of real-life experience. The solution that can be worth trying is to provide a safe
place
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 where a healthy discussion will take
place
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. To elaborate more on
this
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 point,
this
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 is the room where everyone has the same level of position, regardless of their age, and is free to verbalise their perspectives.
This
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 notion can be experimented
within
Change preposition
with within
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family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 scope through daily conversation between members.
For example
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, young children are trusted by their parents to hand out their perspectives regarding family
decision
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decisions
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,
such
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 as whether to have a family annual vacation or not.
To conclude
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, youngsters' preference to attend an online meeting is
due to
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 the judgmental situation they might encounter, and the action that can be taken to tackle
this
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 issue is to provide a safe
place
Use synonyms
 for a healthy discussion.

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task achievement
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. Your essay touched on the reasons and provided a measure to encourage in-person socializing amongst teenagers, but the development of these ideas could be more thorough. Each point should be expanded with clear and detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
Make use of a range of cohesive devices and organize your ideas into clear paragraphs. While the essay did have a logical sequence, transitions between points could be smoother and paragraphing could be used more effectively to separate ideas.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • socialization
  • curate
  • engaging
  • social anxiety
  • digital detox
  • tech-free zones
  • mentorship programs
  • real-world interactions
  • face-to-face settings
  • in-person participation
  • promote
  • deter
  • foster
  • appeal
  • perspectives
  • detox challenges
  • community service
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