The US film industry has too much influence on the film industry around the world. Governments have a duty to invest money in their own film industries to protect and develop their cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
The world's
film
industry
have
been influenced significantly by the US Change the verb form
has
film
industry
. The governments
have a certain responsibility to support and protect the environment of domestic film
production. In order to support the local film
industry
, governments
should invest their capital so the
local Correct determiner usage
that
business
can compete with Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
the
US Correct article usage
apply
films
. Hence
, I agree with the idea and this
passage will explain my possession.
Firstly
, the US film
industry
have
been supported by various investors, not only the US but Change the verb form
has
also
from state-owned investors. Foreign investment in films
is really helpful in order to enter the global market because overseas investors will also
play their roles for
the market penetration process. Change preposition
in
For instance
, some notable state-owned investment authorities around the world have invested their capital in US
Correct article usage
the US
film
industry
as a strategy of business diversification. As a result
, they can get the
capital return from their investment that could be reinvested Correct article usage
a
at
their home countries.
Change preposition
in
Secondly
, there is a possibility for technology
advancement by investing in Replace the word
technological
local
Add an article
the local
film
industry
. In addition
, the reason why the local films
cannot compete with US films
is because
their lack of futuristic features. These features require a lot of money, Add the preposition
because of
in
order to apply Correct word choice
and in
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
governments
should allocate their budgets for
the creative Change preposition
to
industry
sector. As a result
, the technology
advancement in Replace the word
technological
local
Add an article
the local
film
industry
can attract many audiences.
To conclude
, the local film
industries need supports
from Fix the agreement mistake
support
governments
to prevent penetration
Correct article usage
the penetration
from
the US Change preposition
of
film
in
the local market. Capital investments from foreign authorities and Change preposition
into
technology
advancement should be applied in the Replace the word
technological
industry
, as these would attract the viewers' attention. Furthermore
, the artists' competencies in film
Add an article
the film
industry
should also
be a concern.Submitted by nadhif2799 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear development of ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and a series of supporting sentences that expand on that idea logically.
coherence cohesion
You should introduce the topic, present a clear thesis statement, and offer a well-rounded conclusion. The introduction and conclusion in this essay were present but not fully developed or effective.
coherence cohesion
The essay should be more cohesive with better use of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between ideas.
task achievement
The response needs to fully address the prompt, including all parts of the task. Make a clearer argument on to what extent you agree or disagree.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively by explaining the significance of each point. Elaborate on why government investment is important and how exactly it can impact cultural development.
task achievement
Include more relevant, specific examples. Using real-life cases or more concrete scenarios will strengthen the essay's arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example