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Band 4.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).

#people #community #service #part #school #programs #charity #neighborhood #sports #children
I would like to express my views with respect to the given topic is whether paid or free
services
 should be a compulsory part of high school programmes or not based on the different opinions in society.
To begin
 with, I agree with
this
 activity, where the teenagers or higher school students are involved in the
sence
Correct your spelling
sense
science
 of empathy and become more social towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
humanity.
The community
Correct article usage
Community
show examples
services
 give chance to students to learn the awareness of necessary things and to
get
Verb problem
become
show examples
 more attentive
the
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to the
show examples
 basic
responsebilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
.
Secondly
,
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation can come
across
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apply
show examples
to understand the reality of
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
 and values of the empathy.
In addition
to
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apply
show examples
, Many NGOs are
also
 participating
these
Change preposition
in these
show examples
 kinds of activities irrespective of the
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 and
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
. These social and practical experiences give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
moral support to all individuals.
Along with
this
,
for instance
,
in
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apply
show examples
one of the U.S based Articles, revealed that 80
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of
young
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the young
show examples
genration
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generations
 are happy to help
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 in participation and
also
impact
Add an article
the impact
show examples
of
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apply
show examples
several
aspect
Change to a plural noun
aspects
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 of the
mindness
Correct your spelling
mindedness
 and mindedness respectively.
Likewise
, Many developed countries have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 free
services
 with many government and private schools.
However
, few people think that It should not be part of
curriculum
Add an article
the curriculum
show examples
 in
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 system because many paid communities are performing well with
thrie
Correct your spelling
their
three
 own practical experience and knowledge and they have proper
schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
 for these programmes
on
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in
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 particular locations.
To conclude
, no doubt, Paid communities are contributing a lot in
this
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 with enthusiastic volunteers but
along with
 those, free community
services
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 a mandatory part High school curriculum.
Submitted by preetiaug25 on

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task achievement
Your essay attempts to address the question, but the response is somewhat superficial. You should ensure to delve deeper into the topic, providing thorough explanations and well-developed arguments. It is critical to extend and support your ideas with relevant specific examples, which were lacking in your essay.
coherence cohesion
While you structure your essay into paragraphs, there are issues with the logical flow and clarity. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea, and use cohesive devices to show the relationship between sentences and ideas. Avoid overly complex sentence structures that may not be clear.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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