IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many cities have become less pleasant places to live in recent years. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

#cities #places #years
Nowadays, it has been proven that many cities have become un-environmentally friendly places to live. The most common
problems
 are related to
overpopulation
 and
urbanization
. Having said that, improving sustainable urban planning and improved public
transportation
 can be the best solutions to overcome the
problems
. As
for
Change preposition
apply
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stated
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the main cause of rapid
urbanization
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 one of the main triggers, as a
city
 has been developed, the migration of
people
also
 increases significantly.
As a result
, the
city
 has become overcrowded with rapid
urbanization
. By improving
overpopulation
 in a
city
, the competition between
people
 with
resources
Change the noun form
resource
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 utilization will be improved leading to the limited access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 infrastructure and public services. When
people
 cannot get access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public services, traffic and air pollution will increase because
people
 will use their private vehicles for commuting. To exemplify
this
, Jakarta recently has become one of the cities having the worst pollution problem which causes health and
environment
Replace the word
environmental
show examples
problems
. Turning to the solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 those stated
problems
, mitigating
overpopulation
 by developing urban planning with a sustainability approach will be a good solution. Creating
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
well-designed urban planning in every district or regency in the
city
, not only
does it
Verb problem
apply
show examples
benefits its inhabitants
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 overcoming
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 impacts
on
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of
show examples
 rapid
urbanization
, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
 adds a positive movement
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a sustainable
city
.
Furthermore
,
proposed
Correct article usage
the proposed
show examples
 investment
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
transportation
 can be the best option to tackle traffic
problems
.
Moreover
, establishing various options
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 public
transportation
 will reduce reliance on private vehicles.
For instance
, in New Zealand, the government has focused on improving public
transportation
 construction
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is beneficial for reducing traffic jams and private cars on the main road. All in all, even though
overpopulation
 and rapid
urbanization
 have a huge influence on less liveable cities, making good and sustainable planning on urban design and developing quality public services can be the best
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
 for tackling the
problems
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. While your essay includes these components, further delineation between them would enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices and transition words to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively. While your essay shows some use of these, greater variety and accuracy could be improved.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your main points are consistently supported with relevant examples and explanations. The examples provided were good, but some points were not fully developed.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task. You have touched upon the causes and solutions, but greater expansion on these points is needed to fully satisfy the requirements.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly to provide a comprehensive response. At times, your essay presents assertions without fully fleshing them out with clear reasoning or data.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific, real-world examples to illustrate your points. The examples of Jakarta and New Zealand were relevant and should be emulated throughout your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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