In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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Nowadays, the balance between equality and personal achievement remains a crucial question. It is argued that personal accomplishment depends only on individual merits and

thus

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, if people are free to succeed or fail because of their own work. I totally disagree with that statement. I believe that to succeed we need to have enough resources and

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if we live in an egalitarian society, individuals could focus more on their goals. In modern societies, there are many different people. Those can be cultural, religious and political differences.

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, in all cases, there are those who spend all their time fighting because of the inequalities. In my opinion, I think that people should centre their attention on their goals and forget their differences.

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, my biology teacher once said that humans biologically spend time criticizing and comparing those who are different.

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this

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, those who lose their time with those distractions rather than focus on their goals and objectives. So, with an egalitarian society, the nation will forget inequalities and will be more focused. Another argument is that everyone must have the same means to reach their personal achievement. It is known that in some countries in Africa or Asia, some have very few possibilities to live well.

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, it seems very difficult for them to succeed.

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, a youngster from Niger that does not go to school and he is always working for his family will have many more difficulties making money and having a stable job in a company compared to a young adolescent from New York with all the resources of his family.

To conclude

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, I totally disagree with the statement of individuals who believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible because of their merits. I think that humans need to have enough resources to succeed and

also

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if they do not compare themselves they can center their attention more on their work and have more personal success.

santos_dijFri Jan 19 2024

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Task Achievement

Enhance your arguments by providing deeper analysis rather than relying on surface-level observations. For example, when discussing how egalitarianism can benefit personal achievements, consider exploring specific policies or societal structures that support this.

Coherence and Cohesion

Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between your points. This will strengthen the overall flow of your essay.

Task Achievement

Ensure that your examples are fully developed. While the example of the young person from Niger is relevant, elaborating on the implications of their situation would add depth to your argument.

Task Achievement

Your introduction clearly states your position, providing a direct response to the prompt, which is great for task achievement.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay contains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow your logic.

9
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
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Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
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Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 9.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

325 words

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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places?

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Directors of organizations receive higher salaries than the ordinary worker, some people think it is necessary while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.