In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

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Nowadays, the balance between equality and personal achievement remains a crucial question. It is argued that personal accomplishment depends only on individual merits and
thus
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, if people are free to succeed or fail because of their own work. I totally disagree with that statement. I believe that to succeed we need to have enough resources and
also
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if we live in an egalitarian society, individuals could focus more on their goals. In modern societies, there are many different people. Those can be cultural, religious and political differences.
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, in all cases, there are those who spend all their time fighting because of the inequalities. In my opinion, I think that people should centre their attention on their goals and forget their differences.
For instance
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, my biology teacher once said that humans biologically spend time criticizing and comparing those who are different.
Due to
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this
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, those who lose their time with those distractions rather than focus on their goals and objectives. So, with an egalitarian society, the nation will forget inequalities and will be more focused. Another argument is that everyone must have the same means to reach their personal achievement. It is known that in some countries in Africa or Asia, some have very few possibilities to live well.
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, it seems very difficult for them to succeed.
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, a youngster from Niger that does not go to school and he is always working for his family will have many more difficulties making money and having a stable job in a company compared to a young adolescent from New York with all the resources of his family.
To conclude
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, I totally disagree with the statement of individuals who believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible because of their merits. I think that humans need to have enough resources to succeed and
also
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if they do not compare themselves they can center their attention more on their work and have more personal success.

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Task Achievement
Enhance your arguments by providing deeper analysis rather than relying on surface-level observations. For example, when discussing how egalitarianism can benefit personal achievements, consider exploring specific policies or societal structures that support this.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between your points. This will strengthen the overall flow of your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your examples are fully developed. While the example of the young person from Niger is relevant, elaborating on the implications of their situation would add depth to your argument.
Task Achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, providing a direct response to the prompt, which is great for task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay contains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow your logic.
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