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Band 4.5

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success?

#years #interest #relationship #equality #achievement #people #individuals #societies #levels #merits #success
While
 some argue that individuals can achieve more in countries with an egalitarian
society
, Others perceive that people only
will be in
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
 a high level of achievement thanks to their individual merits. In my opinion, I agree that there is a need for a
society
 that endorses equality
due to
 the necessity of equal conditions. On one side of the argument, it is suggested that to be at the peak of a
society
 you need to be in equal conditions. When a societal system is equitable, there is a possibility of diversity and prosperity since the laws and values are the same for everyone.
For example
, in Paris, which is a modern city, we can find men, women, young or even old employees in big companies.
This
 diversity is
due to
 the
french
Capitalize word
French
show examples
society
 who accept people without having to take
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 consideration the genre or the age, these recruiters only need the person with the best skills. Despite these aforementioned views, other individuals believe that the most important thing is personal merits.
This
 view would suggest that recruiters are equal with the candidates and only consider them for their qualities and skills,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 would be ideal. Sadly, misogyny and
rascim
Correct your spelling
racism
 still exist causing many
employee
Change to a plural noun
employees
show examples
 to not achieve their objectives for their nationality, gender or personal backstory.
For instance
, in 2023, Cherill Mc Collan, a woman who had amazing skills and an amazing career, did not enter a company
due to
 her gender. In conclusion, I think that it is
necessity
Replace the word
necessary
show examples
 to have an equal
society
 in order to achieve more things in life.
Submitted by santos_dij on

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Introduction
Introduce your essay with a more clear and engaging thesis statement that directly addresses the question. This will help in setting a strong foundation for your argument.
Logical Structure
Ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout your essay. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader from one point to the next.
Conclusion
Include a stronger conclusion that not only summarizes your argument but also restates your stance in a compelling way. This reinforces your view and ties your essay together.
Supporting Examples
Provide more detailed examples to support your main points. Specific examples add depth to your arguments and demonstrate understanding of the topic.
Grammar and Accuracy
Be mindful of typographical and grammatical errors, as these can disrupt the flow of your essay and detract from its overall clarity. Thorough proofreading is essential.
Task Response
Address the task more fully by discussing both views presented in the prompt before stating your own opinion. This ensures a more complete response to the question.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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