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Band 5

Food travels thousands of miles from farm to consumers. Some people believe we should buy food from local farmers to protect the environment and help the local business. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#food #thousands #miles #farm #consumers #people #farmers #environment #business
Nowadays people are living in a rapid and modern world. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
distance, bureaucracy, and other circumstances often make the road more difficult for farmers to directly distribute their goods to society, distributors always have something to bridge them.
This
 activity, somehow will benefit only several mafias and
also
 increase the carbon consumed through way of transportation. That's why purchasing
food
 directly from local farmers is better than in convenience stores near our houses.
To begin
 with, as we know
food
 is the basic need of humankind. The necessity of
food
 consumed now is increasingly high,
moreover
 with the exponentially
baby
Fix the agreement mistake
babies
show examples
 born. Producers shall travel their production through one chain to another (distributor) until
finally
 arrives to consumers.
Thus
, no wonder that the prices of foods like basic carbohydrates, vegetables, proteins, and fruits are higher from time to time. I believe the key to reducing
this
 price is to cut the long chain of supply. In comparison, the price of the same products, a kilogram of rice
for instance
, between an original farmer and a convenience store can reach double the price difference.
This
 evidence, sometimes makes the farmers are getting poorer.
In addition
, the climate crisis in
this
 millennium era is somehow
such
 a red flag for many people to see. The travel distance of foods, from farmer to store and to final consumers will run more carbons than the distance from farmer to society directly.
For example
, if the goods need to travel, usually takes two to three lorrys reach to society, the advantage is if people buy to original producers only take one lorry and reduces the pollution made. That will enormously reduce the pollution in the air and reduce the climate crisis.
As a result
, with the examples given above, the advantage if we take our
food
 directly from the origin will
more
Add a missing verb
be more
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 benefit rather than if we buy in
convenience
Add an article
a convenience
the convenience
show examples
 store.
Submitted by aghnia.ulhaq on

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task achievement
Your essay starts with a general statement that sets the context of the argument well, which is positive. However, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines your stance on the advantages outweighing the disadvantages clearly. Make sure to include an explicit thesis statement that directly answers the question.
coherence cohesion
There is an attempt to organize your ideas logically; however, transitions between them can be improved. Use cohesive devices to better connect your sentences and paragraphs, such as 'furthermore,' 'additionally,' 'conversely,' and 'therefore.' This will aid the flow and clarity of your argument.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarises your main points, but it could be more precise in restating your position regarding whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Make sure your conclusion reflects back on the question prompt and reiterates your argument effectively.
task achievement
Support your main points with relevant and detailed examples. The evidence provided is somewhat general and could be more specific, such as citing statistical data, referencing studies or giving more tangible examples. This would strengthen your argument and contribute to a higher score in task response.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraph structure by including topic sentences that clearly state the main point of the paragraph. Follow the topic sentence with supporting sentences that expand on the point, and conclude with a sentence that wraps up the idea presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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