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Band 2.5

some people think that government should take care of diet of all individuals of country , others think that people should themselves take care of diet and health, discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #government #care #diet #individuals #country #health
On the one hand, the government has a responsibility to take care
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
diet
 of individuals.
While
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
,
food
 not only is controlled in terms of the amount
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 the quality as well
while
people
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
. Dieting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
 consumption
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
show examples
 in
healthier
Add an article
a healthier
show examples
 body,
as well as
,
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
show examples
 mind, which
considered
Add a missing verb
is considered
show examples
 to be one of the basic human rights. It
is become
Change to the active voice
becomes
has become
show examples
 the responsibility of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to make sure that
people
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
show examples
 worry about the basic things, which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
people
 the opportunity
of exploring
Change preposition
to explore
show examples
 their potential. For
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance
show examples
, some research has shown that
people
 whose
food
 consumption is relatively good tend to have a better career and
prospetious
Correct your spelling
prosperous
 life.
On the other hand
, each individual has
specific
Add an article
a specific
show examples
diet
, which
cost
Wrong verb form
costs
show examples
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 large amount of money and energy for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
This
 effort is notably hard for developing or low-income countries or regions
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 were spending their money mostly on development projects rather than individuals. There is evidence to suggest that
people
 in some countries,
such
 as Palestine or South Africa, have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
trouble
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
justly getting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
.
Therefore
,
this
 ambition would not be realistic and sustainable to be
make
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 a priority program. For the reason mentioned above,
Submitted by sfiraabila on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and distinct conclusion, making it difficult to ascertain the writer's position. Additionally, the logical flow between points could be improved. Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to establish the main idea, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence that ties back to the topic.
task achievement
The task is not fully completed. The essay should clearly discuss both views and end with a definitive personal opinion, which is lacking in the current version. Moreover, the response should be developed into a complete essay with an introduction and a conclusion to adequately address IELTS writing task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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